{Thoughts:Aloud}

Happy Rabbit Year! aka. I'm Homesick!

2011-01-30T09:42:00.000+10:30

There's no other way to say this but to come right out and declare: I am homesick!!

Blame it on the Chinese New Year festivity, and more people than usual heading home for the holidays, while I have to content with the scorching heat in the quiet Marleston suburb in Adelaide, plotting a DIY chinese reunion dinner for two. I even went searching for new year songs online this morning, but that only added insult to the already sore emotion. Bleh!

There's obviously no easy or nice way of riding through being homesick, and you have really got to experience it in order to be able to relate to it. Even the smallest thing, some thing you usually wouldn't even give a second thought to, like being stuck in traffic with throngs of last minute shoppers, suddenly seem all important. It's important because you missed it, you're not there in the action, not because you actually liked it.

At the risk of sounding like I'm going into a self-pity rant, I am honest when I tell you that I've not caught a glimpse of a single red lantern, or the all famous pineapple tarts; the looming festive feels almost surreal - it's there, I know, but I can hardly see or feel it, yet feel obligated (almost) to acknowledge it, for it feels totally wrong not to.

Having said that, I am thankful for the experience, in a way, or so I'm trying to tell myself! After all, it's not every year I get to experience a "Westernised" Chinese New Year; I am determined to make this year the one and only time I spent the festive away from my family, seriously! So! All the more to make the best of it, I supposed!

Well, let's see what I'll cook up in the end - literally! Will update you! :)

Meanwhile, Gong Xi Gong Xi! Wishing you a joyous, prosperous, peaceful and healthy Rabbit lunar new year ahead!

Are You Sleeping...?

2010-12-21T10:38:00.000+10:30

Do you remember what sleeping used to be like when you were a kid? Do you remember falling asleep the moment your head hits the pillow, and the next thing you know, it's morning? And then there were those days when you were having such a wonderful dream, you squeeze your eyes shut, hoping you could just continue where you left off.

They say you sleep less as you grow older; I think it's all the other things you gain while growing up - thoughts, responsibilities, assignments, work, social life, entertainment, Grey's Anatomy, PS3, Facebook, etc. - that keep you awake when you really should be asleep. Whether you stay awake by choice or not, that's another issue.

I woke up at 5:30 this morning. At first I thought it was just a trip to the bathroom, and back to dreamland it will be - the dream involved some hot FBI agent, and it was just getting to the good part! - but then I was still awake at 6am when grandma made her way downstairs. I gave up on the FBI agent, and decided to continue watching this Korean series on DVD instead. But the player kept skipping, and I had to stop after 15 minutes. Then I picked up the book I was reading, and made it through one chapter. Hoping that was enough to tire my eyes, I off the lights and willed my mind to rest and sleep to take over again.

In 5 minutes, I thought about not having the time to blog on Page Thirteen this past weeks, and wondered if I should apologise to my readers (again). Then I thought about why I haven't had the time; which led to thinking about the visa which I hoped was in the hands of an officer and being processed at the very moment; which then led to thoughts of packing, how to pack, where to start, what to pack, do I have enough time??; and that led to thinking about the connecting flight from Brissie back to ADL which has yet to be booked...

And the lights went on again. Along with the computer, this time. And so, here I am.

Good morning to all...!

Image Credit: A Morning of New Memories, by kh2rac

A Slice Of "Me"

2010-11-01T10:15:00.000+10:30

Hi all! It's been a (long) while! I sort of miss my blogging days, when I pop in and just blab about my day, and whatever's on my mind. Ever since I started Page Thirteen, most of the time and energy has been focused on getting it up and running, increasing readerships and such. And I've also been writing in a very proper, even a little detached way. Yes, I talk about what got my attention, what inspired me and what I'm lusting after (in the design, lifestyle and homeware sense), but it's just a little different. It's like talking to people you meet at work, in oppose to chatting with your close friends over coffee. Yup, that's what I'm talking about - {Thoughts:Aloud} is like a close friend, or friends, and you can be the loudest, the bitchiest, the smart-ass, the sentimental, the romantic - and they will still be around at the end. No Halloween masks needed.

So I'm wondering, how many of my good old friends are still dropping by, despite me not having updated in here for a while. Also, with the removal of this certain FB application I use to inform everyone when a new blog is posted (I can't even remember the name of the application now, go figure! - oh! "Blogcast" that's what it was!), friends will not be notified of new posts, which might cost some of you to have missed out even if I did updated. But we can rectify that problem quite easily; I'm in the process of finding a new RSS feeder that will do the job.

I'm babbling... I think! I guess it's been a while sine I've done "this", so bear with me!

I've been doing quite a bit of reading lately, mostly light, relaxing fiction, which bring on a giggle or snicker once in a while. Nothing like a good book to help settle into a new environment! I'm a little embarrassed to admit this, but I even picked up a Jude Deveraux, after xx years! Well, I guess I shouldn't be embarrassed, really. There's nothing wrong with romance novels; people make a lot of money out of writing them! And JD's stories are a great myth buster about romance novels being shallow and fizzy and cotton candy pink. They do leave you feeling a little warm and fuzzy, and wishing there are really such nice community of people around you - nothing wrong with that, is there?! I'm sure these very attractive, very smart, very nice people are just around the corner... *winkz*

I've also started drawing. Well, sketching, more like it. If you have been following Page Thirteen, you would know that I signed up with the Sketchbook Project a couple of weeks ago. Well, the Moleskin sketchbook arrived late last week (all the way from the US!), and I've been immersed in finding the best subjects, the best pens, the best style - plainly just cracking my head in trying to put my pen onto paper, the actual sketchbook's paper, not scrap papers or notebook pages, and sketch, anything, everything, and resisting tearing the page out, or worse still, take out the liquid paper. It's a very new and different experience, really. I see this sketchbook as a visual journal which allows me to express and represent myself in a different media, but at the same time, bearing in mind that this sketchbook will be going on tour and people will be picking it up, I feel the need to make it perfect, like printed perfect. Which is obviously impossible! I've braved the first page yesterday. Maybe it'll get easier... I'll share some pictures when I'm more comfortable. For now, I need to make sure I stop doodling in my notebook and make lines in the right places instead!

I guess, looking back, in this past couple of months, I have managed to achieve what I first set out to do when I made the decision to take a break from working 9-5 (erm, more like 7-5, but who's counting anymore?). Although I had nothing set and sealed in concrete (because that's so not my style!!), I had it in my head what I wanted. I'm far from having "reached" there, but I'm on my way.

+ I've started on the things I said I would, and am gaining satisfaction and experience as I move along;

+ I explored some emotions and feelings I didn't expect but managed to ride through them;

+ I'm living on my own again (sort of), and enjoying the independence and liberty of being responsible for myself - from the basics of cooking, cleaning, laundry, getting from one place to another, to being able to make decisions based on what I want, how I want it, when.. etc. (ps. I was not living in a detention center prior to this, I'm sorry if it came out sounding that way!)

+ I have the time and space to surround myself with the things I'm really passionate about, and I'm absolutely thankful for that!

I think I've blurt out enough to make up for my long absence, for now! I promise to do this more often. Thank you for "listening"! I've missed you!

Image Credit: found on weheartit.

Introducing: Page Thirteen

2010-10-12T13:35:00.001+10:30

In case I missed you in my invite blast over Facebook, I've just started a new design/lifestyle inspired blog Page Thirteen. Hop over now, and enjoy this new page dedicated to all beautiful elements which caught my eye and heart. Don't forget to bookmark or subscribe via a reader to receive frequent updates! Alternatively, pop by Page Thirteen's facebook page and become a fan! Hope to see you all there! Enjoy!

Wassup?

2010-09-14T15:19:00.000+09:30

Hey there! In case you've been wondering what I've been up to (and I hope you have), here's a little update!

It's been almost three weeks since I've arrived at Adelaide. The first couple of days were spent with Baby Ally, and going around places. We did the touristy things, like the zoo, museum, art gallery, and also some of our usuals, shopping/ window shopping, happy hour, and the movies. I'm still adapting to being temporarily unemployed (my choice, obviously), and getting domesticated.

My normal day, when everyone's at work, starts with fixing my own breakfast and taking my time devouring it (coffee, fruits and toasts, or cereal if I'm lazy) while reading a book or magazine. Bliss huh? Yeah, pretty much so, but not if you're doing it all the time. I do appreciate having time for myself, but by the end of first week, when the holiday mood wore off the reality set in, I realised domestic life is so not me. Haha! Didn't take me long! However, I won't fret over it too much. I'm learning to enjoy the break while I can, and appreciate what I have instead of always running after what I want, what I don't have, and trying to fix self-imposed "problems".

Some days, especially when the weather is nice, I'd go for walks. Transportations isn't totally genius here, thou their infra structure is ok, tickets are pretty pricey, so my Cotton-On flats have become my best friends as they bring me to discover new places around the neighbourhood. I found a local library about 20 minutes from the house, and it's my new little haven. Free, updated book collection is definitely not something I can find back home! And they have free wifi too (surprisingly, free wifi is rare here...).

I've been snapping pictures, both of daily mundane stuffs and also gorgeous things or scenes I chance across. Some have been uploaded onto my FB, others I'm still compiling bit by bit. You'd be amazed by what I can find just down in the backyard! A short 5 minutes there would involve watching 2 planes landing (we are very near the airport), mushrooms, budding fruit trees, wild flowers and even the occasional butterfly. The planes are so low, they cast shadows over the house when they crosses in front of the sun. The stars at night are pretty amazing too!

Part of being domesticated involves cooking. So far, the best I've done was probably last night's dinner: baked portobello mushroom "burgers" (I served it on toast) with caramalised onions, and roasted potatoes on the side. I think I'm more an oven rather than stove person, but I'm trying. Other meals I've made mostly involved pastas, but I've yet to fully recover my "kitchen-goddess", which went into temporary retirement since I've moved back home after uni and rarely have to cook for myself. Will keep you posted on what other "creations" I whirl up!

My other spare time (which, you'd probably point out, I have plenty), I spend reading, catching up on missed TV series (90210, Glee... etc.), and preparing the launch of my new design blog: Page Thirteen. Stay tune, you'd get to click on that pretty soon!

It goes without saying that I miss home, my family, friends, and my MyVi! But this little break is a new adventure, and I enjoy discovering the unlimited possibilities.

Thank you for reading, I'll be back with more!

Where To Start?

2010-08-18T13:56:00.000+09:30

OMG! It's my last day at work... I need to pack up my stuffs, clear out the locker and tidy my desk. But seriously, I have no idea where to start!!! Oh, but I do have time to blog and upload pics!! *peace!*

Thank You For Dropping By...

2010-08-17T15:55:00.000+09:30

I cannot claim to be a "real" blogger, or that my blog is flooding with visitors. I write mostly for my own pleasure, and this blog is my own little canvas for exploration and experiments, both in the literary, creative sense, as well as personal and emotional. Hence, I get a buzz and feel all warm and happy when someone tells me how they really enjoyed my blog, or when people leave comments, even if it was just a smiley face! It means that whatever words I've thrown out into this limitless virtual world is being picked up, bounced back and reflected on someone, anyone.

I don't expect to change lives with my words, but it is nice to know that amidst the bustles of everyday mundaneness, someone (you) made me, or my words, a part of their day. It is really a very nice feeling.

Thank you, for dropping by, for sharing a slice of my world, and I hope you'll continue to do so.

Thank you, again.

(Of course there are plans to "glam" this baby up and make it a little more commercial and accessible, and you'll be the first to know when that happens!)

Image credit: pinksuedeshoe

Inspire Me: Let's Go Away...

2010-08-17T14:31:00.002+09:30

I was browsing for a travel-related picture for my previous post Change, and came across loads of charming and whimsical vintage-like images, which I thought would be nice to share. I hope you'll enjoy them as much as I did, and maybe you'd be inspired to go-away somewhere too (doesn't have to be far or luxurious; we could all use a mini getaway sometimes to regroup, recharge and refresh...).

By the way, I can't remember if I mentioned this (probably not...), I discovered a site called we ♥ it where you can create an online album of your favourite images, and at the same time see images others have "heart-ed" and add them to your collection too! Some of the pictures are totally inspiring and gorgeous! Try it here!

Images credit: 1. By Art Pixie 2. By Hannah :) 3. From Tumblr 4. From Apartment Therapy DC: Etsy Finds

Change

2010-08-17T10:26:00.002+09:30

A month ago, I made a decision that would change the rhythm of my daily grind, or my life, depends on how you want to look at it. No, I'm not getting married (yet)!

I handed in my resignation letter. The actual action wasn't a very difficult thing to do at all, but the process of anchoring the decision and getting my head around it, that, was difficult. 4 and a half years is not a very long employment history, nor is it short. I've learn and grown through this 4 years. I came in as a not-so-young but still naive chick, believing in the best of people, exhilarated to be working in a place with actual separate departments and having to clock in and out (excuse my then apparent ignorance, but I came from a 4-woman design firm where my ex boss sometimes prepared home-cooked lunch for everyone - very sweet of her, really); I was oblivious to office politics, trusted the "system", and was determined to work my way up the career ladder.

I made friends here, got my heart broken, fell in love, toughened up, had a few lessons in politics (but I still don't play it), worked hard, laughed harder, shed my fair share of tears (in private), and try to forget all about it over happy hour.

This is not an easy place to leave, really. There are things about this place, and a few people, that I still believe in. But they are no longer enough to help me get to where I need to be. I think that's the best way to phrase it. I cannot keep standing at the same spot, and hoping that the scene around me will eventually change. It could be a very clear picture for someone on the outside. "Never wait for opportunities to drop on you lap; chase after your dreams; make it happen..." yada-yada-yada... Like most things in life, it's easier said than done. All the what-ifs...! What if I walk away now and the opportunity comes tomorrow? What if I just wait a little more, try a little harder; what if I just double the brain-washing dose to shut my evil twin up?

But I've done it. I took a deep breath, and took the plunge. Because you never know what's in store for you if you don't take the step. As my favourite manager puts is, "Its better to have tried and fail, than not to have tried at all." No one knows what will happen next, but that's what makes it so exciting! Because anything can happen, and I can make it happen!

So, on top of leaving my job, I also took the decision to leave the country, take a break for a bit, and really see what else life has to offer. To some people, this could sound totally normal. But not to me. The last time I woke up unemployed and light hearted was when I first came home after graduating from uni - even then, I had my parents nagging at me to get a job, so it wasn't entirely carefree!

Change is good - or so they say, and I'll be witnessing loads of them soon (so will you), starting from today, my second last day at work!

Wish me luck!

Image credit: Voyager Suitcase, Couverture.

Make Me Gorgeous: Lashblast by Covergirl

2010-07-22T18:32:00.000+09:30

I am always on the hunt for new beauty products, especially when I'm travelling. One of my all time faves: mascaras - a girl can never have too many of them! Curl, volume, lengthen, microfibre, nylon, comb brush, fat brush, spiral brush - I say yes to them all!

My current love: Covergirl's Lashblast Length Waterproof, which I picked up on my recent trip Downunder. Without even trying it out yet, the slimline, designer-feel casing in matt sunny yellow stole my heart already. It looks so different and yummy, just having it sitting on my counter top or lying in my make up pouch is enough to make me happy.

The no-flake nylon formula and extended brush promises extreme, look-at-me lashes all day long. The texture is light, doesn't weight down your lashes, the brush works at separating the strands, and I put on two or three coats for a defined look. I also like the fact that even though it is waterproof, it washes off easily with soap and water, and is friendly for contact lens wearers. No smudges, no stubborn stains!

It is my go-to, everyday mascara these couple of weeks. I also bought the Volume Blasting version, and can't wait to try it out! It's a shame that Covergirl is no longer available in the Malayisa market, but you can still browse through their range here. Happy shopping!

Sweet Adelaide

2010-07-22T14:37:00.002+09:30

It's been a little more than a week since I returned from Adelaide. I thought I should upload some pictures and write a blurb about it now, or I'll never get around to doing it at all.

Well, it wasn't exactly a trip of leisure. The first couple of days were mostly spent scouting around for furnitures and necessities. Most of you are probably familiar with the trips to Kmart, Ikea, Target, even Woolies, so there's no need for me to highlight them. However, it is worth mentioning that we very often got sidetracked and started looking at other things, like clothes, shoes and bags, food and alcohol, when we actually should be checking out mattresses, beds and laundry bags.

This is our first visit to Adelaide. Yeah, it's a little weird that you've never been to a place and suddenly you have to start building a life there (temporary or not). We are lucky to have friends to show us around and help us settle in.

The first impression is that there is a certain quietness to the place, and I don't mean the lack of noise or activities. It is also a very organised place, similar to most other Australian cities, with straight tree-lined roads, waste bins every 3 meters with separate holders for cigarette butts, cafes and coffee stands with a standard supply of good skinny-lattes, cheap alcos (can't emphasise that enough!), blue skies (when it's not gloomy or storming), good pizzas, and a humble collection of shops enough to keep me occupied for a good part of an afternoon.

The most "touristy" thing we did was probably a quick visit to Hahndorf, a German town about 30 minutes away from the city (thanks to Kitty and John for taking us there!). I've never been to Germany, personally, so I don't have much to compare with. However, stepping onto the cottage-lined street did make us feel as if we were suddenly transported into a quaintness found only in European countrysides. A slice of Bienenstich (pronounced: bee-sting) completed the experience.

We sort-of lost our way a bit when we decided to spend Friday afternoon browsing the shops on Rundle Mall in the city. Well, not lost, lost; we were just not so good at taking buses, a little lazy to ask for proper directions, and still pretty disorientated when it came to north, south, east, west, up and down. I found myself missing the trams and trains of Melbourne, with their easy-to-read routes and clear prices. But it's a little unfair to be bias and to make a comparison at this point, when we are hardly familiar with the place yet.

People are generally friendly, which I appreciate. Be it you are a customer, or you're just browsing, they almost never fail to greet you when you enter the shop, in their "shop-assistant-voice": how are you today? Whether or not they really meant it doesn't matter so much; you'll feel welcomed and acknowledged, which is the whole idea. I wish we practice it more often over at this end of the globe.

Lastly, a big thank you to AiLin and Sunny, Ally's new landlord cum house mates, who not only chauffeured us around, introduced Adelaide to us, but also prepared some really yummy dinner (roast chicken with vege and mash!!!), and helped us settled in really comfortably! Thank you, and I will be back - soon!!

Beautiful Words, Yet Again...

2010-07-21T18:02:00.003+09:30

OMG... Talk about the law of attraction! I just came across another "letter", written yet again by a man, which brought tears to my eyes. Never again, will I say that men are insensitive and non-communicative! It really depends on who the man is, and the experiences that makes him.

Unfortunately, like "Message in a Bottle", Mr. Court recently lost his wife in a car accident. He wrote this post in her existing blog, only two days after she passed away. How and from where he found the strength to do so is beyond me. The most beautiful words can be found at the end of the post:

"What I do know, as I sit here at her computer, heart broken and destroyed, is that I am so thankful to have had this wonderful woman in my life for the last fourteen years. She taught me what it was to be a husband, a father and a man.

I love you, Marija, always and forever."

Excerpt from: Holding Court

Men Can Write!

2010-07-20T13:49:00.005+09:30

It's not a surprise that when you are involved with something in specific, the environment automatically attracts similar "things" back into your life.

Yesterday, I wrote that men aren't usually as expressive when it comes to communicating. And then I took it back. Today, I discovered a site call "letters to crushes" and I have to double take back what I said! I'm only on page 2, but, wow!, the honesty! I don't think these messages were written as a form of show-off or an attempt to embarrass the other person; they are simple words from the heart, and some are just plain sweet! They are like what you might find in a Hallmark card, except these people are not expecting to get paid for what they wrote.

Here is one which got a lot of "likes", and it's one of my favourite too!

To the girl at the table near the back of the library -

I almost asked you what was wrong the first time I saw you crying. Then I saw the book you were reading, and realized that you were crying because of it. And I was interested, because I'd never read anything that moved me that much.

I checked out the book you were reading, and guess what? I cried - just a little - too. That's how it started. Every time I go to the library, you're almost always there, usually with a completely new book. Sometimes you smile, or laugh out loud, or cry again, and when you do, I check out the book you're reading.

That was it, really, until I realized how gorgeous you are. You're not pretty in the normal kind of way, but god, when you smile, it lights up your face in the best way.

I wish you'd notice me, sitting a few tables away from you, reading the book you were reading a few days ago. I wish you'd smile at me. I don't have the guts to talk to you. I'm afraid you won't be anything at all like I imagine.

One of these days, I'll work up the courage and I'll ask you about what you're reading. And maybe you'll smile that gorgeous smile and tell me all about it, and then we'll talk about all the books we've read. But until then, thank you for the book recommendations. I love them.

Love, the boy a few tables away from yours

Don't tell me you didn't like it!

Messages From The Heart

2010-07-19T13:11:00.001+09:30

Last week, in a moment of tipsiness from sharing a bottle of red with Jen, I walked into Borders, and came out with "Message in a Bottle" by Nicholas Spark.

Before you say anything, let me tell you, I know - it's been 12 years since the book was first published, 11 years since the movie - we are talking before Twilight, before Google, before Facebook, before iPhone, before the millenium - and I almost never pick up a book that's been written before the millenium!!! Maybe I was more than a little tipsy?

Having too much to drink aside, I am actually enjoying the book. It doesn't matter that it was written by a man; usually I would question, just how much would a man really know exactly what a woman wants? The fact is, though written more than a decade ago, the words were in fact pretty touching. Or, should I say, because it was written in the 90s, the book and the messages from the bottles held a certain sweet simplicity to them. We do have a tendency to complicate things sometimes. In the book, they were still mainly communicating via fax.

I'm only a third of the way into the book. Theresa has just discovered the third letter, but yet to meet Garret. While reading, I thought to myself, similar to how the female characters in the book were thinking when they read the letters Garret wrote to Catherine: no man, at least not the ones we know, would write anything so real, with his heart so achingly exposed, his pain and love so obvious... Today, most men (sorry to judge) would probably think a quick text or a Facebook message, typed out in the already familiar modern-technology-caused abbreviations, complete with a smiley face, is communication at its finest.

Like I said, sorry to judge. And I shouldn't have.

Early this morning, I was awaken by a text. Yes it was an SMS, sent with limited amount of abbreviations (no smiley faces, however), about 4 text pages long, and made me cry so hard it took me a long time to send back a reply.

The nature and content of the text is a little too personal to share. However, I can tell you this: you could be crying because a man made you angry, sad, disappointed or betrayed, but a man can also make you cry because he loves you so much, to the point that you heart is squeezed so tightly you can hardly breathe. I'm not talking about roses, diamond rings or champagne. You could be in the lowest of lows; you could be in debt, have three screaming kids under the roof and a job totally not worth your while; you could be apart, seeing each other once every three months, trying so hard not to forget the feel of his hands in yours; you could be sharing a bed, but so exhausted when you come home from work, that all you do is sleep.

It doesn't matter if life is not rosy, or glowy, or sweet smelling like Chloe perfume. It just has to be real. As long as it comes from the heart, you will find the strength to keep going on.

And so, at 6am in the morning, I found my strength, washed my tear-stained face, and replied the text.

Believ-ed

2010-07-16T19:21:00.000+09:30

If you've been waiting as anxiously as Ally and I for the outcome of our "Believe", apologies to have kept you waiting. This was what happened.

Friday evening, 8pm. Still no news. Offices were definitely closed for the day. We had to accept, with our heart thudding loudly, that the visa was not ready. Despite both of us trying to keep a calm facade for the other's benefit, the mind was spinning at a lost of the scary possibility that we might have to postpone the flights - again, that we might not be flying out on Monday night after all.

But we've been talking about Believing. To Believe is not about plucking something out from the air, sit on it, and wait for an explosion to happen. Actions still needed to be taken. And that night, while driving home, I made a decision. In the span of the weekend (2 days), instead of idling and working ourselves into a frenzy wondering if Monday will be The Day, I decided put in 10 hours of prayers, as an act of determined believe, and a challenge, for the best possible outcome.

We MUST, and we WILL fly on Monday.

And we did.

I'll save you the dramatics. In short, we got ourselves to the embassy on Monday morning, found out that they have the application, but nothing's been processed yet (*gasp* another heart attack moment!), however, they will try their best to help. And they did. By 2pm, we had a visa in our hands! My heart said "I knew we would get it! 10 hours rocks!!"; my head let out a sigh, finally able to relax, and only then realised it was absolutely exhausted, that I barely had enough strength left to finish my packing.

Tuesday afternoon found us, freezing our ass off, in front of Adelaide Airport. G'day mate! Welcome to Adelaide!

Believe

2010-07-02T12:56:00.000+09:30

My post titles are a little "spiritual" lately, which probably reflects how I feel and what I am going through at the moment. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am getting much more personal in my entries.

My Facebook status today reads: Word of the day: Believe. To believe, means to trust, to rely on, to be certain, to be convinced of... To believe, is to have no doubt. It's is definitely easier said than done. But it needs to happen.

We are still waiting for Ally's visa. It is getting a little daunting, to say the least. I have changed our flights, paying the penalty and extra costs incurred with a slightly heavy heart (for we really don't have much extras to spare); we are flying in 3 days' time.

Last night, driving back from Ally's place, I did my prayers in the car. I sometimes chant when I drive the half an hour journey instead of having the radio on, so that despite the distance, regardless of my destination (which of course, in Ally's case, is always my "Happy Place"), I am doing something of value. It also allows me the space to reflect and think, and reorganise some thoughts. Sometimes I might not realise that I need this little pocket of time and space given to me by the distance between PJ and Ampang, but only good things can come out of it.

Back to "believe". Ally called me the moment he woke up this morning. After our usual "Good mornings" and "What are you up to?", the conversation quickly drifted to the unavoidable. He is worried about the visa. We both are. But worrying doesn't get things done. It certainly will not conjure up the document. We have no control of the immigrations. But I said this to Ally: "Baby, we need to believe. And I need you to do it with me. It's the only way."

We want it so bad; we want to be there. We have come so far. This is the very last lap. After this, we will be packing, getting onto the plane, and saying "G'day Mate!". If it wasn't meant to be, we would have been stopped way back, like 3 months ago, when we were both still moping about the (unknown) future. The fact that we are here, waiting for this one (last) thing, is a sign that it is happening, and the only thing that is stopping us is actually believing that it will happen!

We will get there, baby. We have to, we must, and we will!

Being Thankful

2010-06-30T13:38:00.009+09:30

I am thankful for you, who is willing and ready to listen - not to tell me what's right or wrong, but just accompanying me while I sort it all out.
I am thankful for you, who is there to lend support - not to catch me when I fall, but being with me while I pick myself up.
I am thankful for you, who believe in me - not that I've lost all trust, but because I need the gentle reminder of who I can be and what I am capable of achieving.
I am thankful for you, who did not walk away - not that I can't bear being alone, but because it's just much more meaningful to share it with someone, and have you witness my victories.
I am thankful for good health; being able to feel, hear, respond... it means I am totally human, and alive.
I am thankful for music, singing about the words of my heart in phrases I may not have found to use.
I am thankful for laughter.
I am thankful for kindness and compassion.
I am thankful for normality, a simplicity I can depend on when all else runs in chaos.
I am thankful for me, because there is only one of me in this world; I may not always know where I'm going, but I certainly know who I am and what I want.
And finally, I am thankful, to be able to feel thankful.

Roller Coaster Ride - Join Me!

2010-06-23T19:16:00.000+09:30

I've never been on a roller coaster ride. Not the kiddy ones; the kind that rises and deeps, twists and loops, brings you to the top just to fling you down, and just when you thought it's safe, it starts all over again. Like I said, I've never been on one, but I think I can imagine how it would feel.

I liken the past week to a ride which takes my breath away, makes me scream till I no longer recognise my own voice, flings all thoughts out of my head, leaving my mind blank; being throw around in my seat not knowing what will come next, and I can only hold on, tight. It is not the end of the ride - yet.

In my last entry, Ally and I were in the stages of organising for his visa, and I was trying to deal with all kinds of thoughts which were consistently dropping by without any invitations. It was only the beginning. I won't go into the exact detail of what else I have to deal with, but the general outline goes a little like this: visa, air tickets, work, work, work, people, me. As the roller coaster ride goes, the twist and turn just keeps on coming, one after another. I have forgotten how to breathe!

It's a little hard to explain how and why I feel about the situation in such a specific way that I do, but thinking, analysing and pulling scenarios apart is how I help myself get prepared and deal with what is to come. I guess I am a control-freak in denial; in some way or another, I need to know. I need to know what's going to happen, so that I am able to prepare myself for the next step. It doesn't matter that the scenario I've created in my head will never happen, that it is the worst case possibly imagined, but I need to be able to brace myself, just in case.

After scaring myself with all the worse case scenarios, I then proceed to have conversations with myself, lecturing and giving pep talks on how I shouldn't think the way I think, feel the way I feel, and that there should always be a more positive side to everything. These days, when I stare into space, or when I start keeping to myself, that's the time I'm having a heart to heart with my other self - my evil twin, I sometimes call her - but who is more evil, me or her, (if) only we know.

I am very fortunate to have a partner like Ally. He has been very patient, and always ready to listen. Even when I am repeating myself for the hundredth time, he will do his best in assuring me for the hundredth and one time. I have this fear that eventually he will get tired of my "what ifs", god knows I get tired of myself some times, but he is still here, and I'm thankful. He might not totally understand the concept that women make sense of things by talking, but I think he is slowly getting used to it. Of course, being a typical man, he does get into the "problem solving" mode, wanting to chase all my troubles away by giving me solutions there and then. It's inevitable, I guess; that's how men show that they care.

One other thing about roller coaster rides - you will never understand how it's like if you're just looking from the bottom. You can go "Oooh!"and "Aaah!", and "Ha! That loser puked all over himself!", but you can never totally understand, unless you went on the journey yourself. But as I'm already exhausted from dealing with myself, I don't have much space left to digest what others think or say about me.

So my face is a little tight - my evil twin and I are having a heated discussion, what do you expect? So I look a little down - I think I have a right to be, considering the circumstances. However, I did not say I want to stay this way for ever; I'm in the process of sorting things out for myself. It's not as if I am giving others a hard time, throw a fit or take it out on anyone else. It's just a little gloomy weather in my little part of the world, it'll pass. All I need is a some time, and space.

Roller coaster rides are not meant to last forever. If we just hang in there a little longer, it'll eventually come to a stop. One thing I know for sure, whatever I/ we are going through, it is the next step forward; it is necessary in order for us to get to where we want to be. Which is why, despite being overloaded and wondering how much more I can take, I have never asked "Why? Why me?". Because I know. The more twisted the ride gets, the closer we are to our destination. And I can't wait!

Thank you, for being on this (joy) ride with me!

Let's Get Personal!

2010-06-11T17:45:00.000+09:30

I've been away for a while, but so much has been happening since the last blog, I seriously don't know where to begin!

Similar to the tendency of not discussing personal relationship issues in my blog, I also try to stay away from revealing too much of my personal or family life. That might change soon, however. I'm not sure how I would go about it just yet, probably just come up with more labels to categorise the different entries.

Why the possibility of change, you might ask. Well, to answer that, I'll have to take you back 2 weeks ago (or maybe even a little way before that). Ally (my partner) and I have this plan of moving abroad. The land Down Under is our destination of choice. Why the thought to move? - that, my friend, would probably need it's very own personal blog to explain, so let's just stick to the fact that we have a plan, and leave it at such for now. So, after we have discussed between ourselves and threw some ideas around, I went on to apply for a residency visa, and then we wait.

And wait. And wait.

So far, it's been a little over a year, and we were already getting restless back at the 8 months check point. In between, some little opportunities pop out here and there, but there was nothing concrete, no promises. Before our ex-manager left for a new position in the Adelaide store, Ally took the chance to pass her his resume. Smart move it was. I did not, for a couple of personal reasons (most of it irrational enough that they probably wouldn't make sense if I voice it out loud). And then we wait, again.

Waiting games are never pleasant to play. But if you are patient enough, eventually, some light will come through. And the light came, one fine Thursday morning. I could still remember feeling relatively carefree that day, as I was going on a family holiday the following day, and I haven't been on a break for a while so was looking forward to it.

When Ally came and broke the news to me, he was on a high. He said our ex-manager called, and offered him a temp position at her store. She wants him there by July, which was only a little more than a month away (then). If we weren't in the office, I'm sure he would have been jumping with excitement. My reaction, however, was pretty discolored compared to his. I remember saying "so soon?" and "only one position?". Little did I realise then, those words reflected a lot of my unconscious thoughts, who I was, and how I saw myself. (More on that, later.)

Fast forward to the present, July is 3 weeks away, we are in the progress of sorting out his visa, and I am able to talk about this without making too much of a fool of myself. And it is so important to be able to talk about it! Without the outlet, I would never be able to deal with the rush of emotions, worries, insecurities and all the other unknowns (my brain functions on 50 non-linear thoughts per minute). I am still coping; new thoughts pop out every other day.

So, I was thinking to myself (especially after reading some nice personal blogs), that it is ok to share some more private happenings in my life here, as long as I know how to phrase it without violating or giving away too much information (!!), but still able to make it interesting! I am, after all, an aspiring writer (haha!), and it is a welcoming challenge to see how I will fair in writing a memoir-like journal without making it look like a diary, but yet personal enough to reflect my life.

So, this is the first attempt. More to come, hopefully!

"I love you... its tattooed thru my heart..."

2010-05-18T12:00:00.000+09:30

If you are familiar with my blogging style, you would notice that I might discuss a lot about relationship issues, but never specifically about my own relationship(s). Partly because it is private; it probably comes with age too - you might shout to the world about your amazing boyfriend when you are in your 20s, but when you've been around a bit (ok, did I just make myself sound ancient?), and know how the world works (and people's reaction towards you going all overtly sweet and in-loved), you won't feel the need to show off to the world, as long as you know you are loved and cherished by that one special person. Also, you don't want to jinx it!

Having said that, I received a little message out of the blue last night, almost random, and I felt like sharing.

"I love you... its tattooed thru my heart..."

I said it was random, because prior to this, we were text-ing each other about Chinese fried rice. Little things like these, out of the blue, is what melts me. It's unexpected; I don't doubt the sincerity. And it was definitely not a line plucked out from anywhere.

You can say "I love you" every night before you fall asleep, or when you leave the house to go to work, or on Valentine's Day, or your anniversary, or when we cook you a meal... No woman would mind hearing those three little words, which's been given such substantial status, as long as it's spoken from the heart. And women being women, of course we know when you mean it and when you're saying it just because you know we expect you do say it.

Anyway, I won't over analyse the "I love you" philosophy this time round, as that would overshadow the actual reason behind writing this post.

Lastly, "Thank you...".

Feature: Creature Comfort

2010-05-17T15:56:00.003+09:30

Half an hour ago, I was going to moan about how jealous I am of some people who can blog everyday, sometimes even twice a day, and come up with beautiful, inspirational things to write and even more gorgeous pictures to go with the words.

But then, as I read on, this particularly lovely blog I discovered months ago but never had a chance to thoroughly explore, I realised once again, how misleading and unfair pre-conceptions can be. This lady, named Ez (pronounced Ee-Zee) is a mother to a 10 year old daughter, author of the blog Creature Comfort, a photographer, owns 2 online shops, and also maintains a personal blog, from which I read that she's been visiting the Dr's, going through tests after tests for something which at this point is still unknown, but is bad enough that it kept her in bed for a week at times.

This little background info only made her blog so much more appealing, filled with hope, and extra meaningful too! Salute!

Image Credit: Creature Comforts - ETSY FINDS & FAVES: WEEKEND WHITES

Committed, Are We?

2010-05-12T11:18:00.002+09:30

On her blog, Michelle Phan compared blogging to being in a relationship. It's all about commitment. How true.

If you are/were a blogger, do you remember your first blog? Do you remember how much time you spent setting up the layout, selecting the colors, the font, the header; how often you updated your blog or how many posts you wrote in a day? If it was a personal blog, did everything you see or everyone you meet became blogging potential? Maybe every event of your day was suddenly something to write about?

Now, over to relationships. We all should be quite familiar with the early stages of dating and falling in love. Remember the amount of text messages you sent, the amount of hours whispering sweetness over the phone, the endless minutes staring into each others eyes (... ...), the midnight supper deliveries or early morning breakfast run; the smallest task is made meaningful because you are sharing it with another person, and nothing is a drag, not even doing the dishes.

6 months, 1 year down the road.

You still blog, but instead of daily it's down to weekly, not that bad. Sometimes, because you don't write as often or as much, the entries can actually be more interesting and substantial. If you have established a string of followers, there are actually people looking forward to your updates. You are probably more comfortable in terms of your writing style, your blog layout, or maybe you are constantly experimenting with something different, for that element of surprise, to keep things fresh.

Relationships run on a similar concept, but could develop faster or slower, according to individuals. Some could even have ended by the 1 year mark, but we're not one to judge, of course. At this point, you might already have gotten quite comfortable with each other; you have nicknames, you know how he drinks his coffee/tea, you can hug and kiss without bumping heads, you might even have taken a holiday or two together, watched each other fall asleep and put up with the snoring. You learn of each other's hobbies, hung out with his friends, or might even have went through the whole "meet the parents" (and the entire extended family, for some) procedure already! The ones on the fast lanes could be planning the wedding - lucky bastards (or not...)!

Another year or so went by...

If you're really committed, you could still have your blog alive and running. You may blog once a month, or once every three months, but there are still some activities going on, to say the least. And your entries would usually start with "sorry I've been away..." or "yeah, I'm really lousy at updating my blog, blame it on FB or Twitter...'. Your followers might log in every few weeks, just to see if they'd get lucky and find something new to read about; they have probably caught onto your pattern and stopped expecting weekly updates. You don't really want to think about actually closing the blog, but it's no longer the most important thing in your life. Well, I know this doesn't apply to everyone, there are loads of blogs out there which are more than 3 years old and looks fresher and more interesting than ever! I salute their dedications! However, I'm sure there are some who can relate to where I'm coming from.

Relationship wise, well, I would like to believe that you have not been neglecting it the way you do to your blog(s). And I certainly don't wish that you have found someone else who has become much more important than the one you're with and is contemplating on "closing' the relationship. But you must admit, along with comfort, comes assumptions, complacency, and maybe even a little neglect. A minimum amount is normal, I believe. After all, you can't still expect to spend an hour or two on the phone with each other, unless you're managing a long distance relationship, and even so, I don't think you'd be burning the phone lines the way you used to when you first started seeing each other. Not being as clingy and having personal space is healthy for any relationships, and even the closest couple deserve time away from each other every now and then. Maybe you've stop noticing when he puts on your favourite perfume or wears the shirt you gave him on your 1st anniversary. Maybe you no longer sigh at the sight of him entering the room. Maybe his jokes aren't so funny any more. Maybe you don't hug so much, kiss so often, or tell each other "I love you" before falling asleep like you used to. Maybe instead of spooning, you are now fighting for the covers...

Well, like I said, a minimum amount is normal, as long as you are both comfortable with it. Be it adjustments, compromises or sacrifices, it is really up to the individual to decide. At the end of the day, it may not be about the kisses, or the little actions, or how many times you call each other. Like blogging, sometimes you just have more things to share, and at times you prefer to keep to yourself; relationship goes through its highs and lows too. But what's the bigger picture? Are you still moving forward towards where you want to be? And of course, are you still committed?

The blog address will always be there, as long as you did not close the account. It may have been left stagnant for the past year, but just a click of the mouse will bring you back to the page. But the same thought may not be applicable to relationships, unfortunately.

Role-play

2010-04-30T11:27:00.001+09:30

It sucks having to play multiple roles, but then again, isn't that what life is all about?

Baby Ally's gastric's been troubling him lately. Or, he's been giving his tummy problems - works both ways, depending on which one of us you ask! Hence, I have to be the strict and cautious girlfriend, making sure he eats well to minimise discomfort. However, as I eventually found out, the more I tried, the more he ended up not eating right; the more discipline I attempt to enforce, the worse it seemed to get! At some point, I probably looked like a mummy chastising her misbehaved kid - I must have looked exactly like my mom, with the disapproving stare and all!! (oops, sorry mummy!)

Well, if I didn't fuss, I didn't care. But if I fussed too much, I look like a prude who doesn't know how to have fun and live a little - when in fact, I do (!!), which puts me in such a contradicting position, if you can see it at all!

It's about striking the balance, I guess... And I can't be his mummy, I refuse to! He is an adult, and he knows (or should know) the consequences caused by the things he puts into his body. I can only say and do so much. In fact, it's probably because he knows there's someone (me) there, caring and worrying, which takes away his own responsibility of having to do just so.

Which is why, when he started munching on Cheezels at 8:30 in the morning, I shut up and only shot him a look. I should stop shooting those "looks" so often too, or they wouldn't be effective any more!

Having said that, we do take turns to "mother" each other. There are days when I'm the "kid", needing more attention and assurance; Baby Ally has his days.

It's definitely unavoidable to play multiple roles all at once. I am a daughter, girlfriend, sister, "baby", friend, best friend, aunty, cousin, teacher, student .. etc. all in a day.

Blabbering Sanity

2010-04-26T17:23:00.002+09:30

I am trying very hard to refrain from "broadcasting" negative thoughts over Facebook, because, 1. it's just another Facebook status jumping into the deep end of the world wide web; 2. Daddy might see it and ask me what's wrong.

There are days when some thing is really wrong, and there are days when it just "feels" wrong, but you don't or can't explain it; it doesn't mean that you're planning to jump off the building, bomb some country or stab someone with a knife, thou you may sound like you're seriously considering so - hopefully, tomorrow it'll all be normal again.

Meanwhile, I'm looking for an outlet. Something, anything!

At the same time, there is a nagging voice back there, some where... And it's asking, "just how long are you gonna hang on to the last bit of sanity? Haven't you had enough?", "You deserve better, and you deserve to be happy!"

It's a liberating thought to imagine myself walking away from this mayhem which may or may never ever right itself. This little hole they call their world, their organisation, their universe, whatever - it's their's, not mine, and every step I take is at their command, not mine. When will I wake up and see this, and put myself out of misery?

You're right, I deserve better!

"没那么简单" (It's Not Easy)

2010-04-14T18:13:00.001+09:30

I was listening to this Chinese song "没那么简单" (It's Not Easy), and it left me feeling oddly somber.

相爱没有那么容易
每个人有他的脾气
过了爱作梦的年纪
轰轰烈烈不如平静
幸福没有那么容易
才会特别让人着迷
什么都不懂的年纪
曾经最掏心
所以最开心曾经

A rough translation (without the lyrical rhyme):
Love is never easy; every individual has his own unique eccentricities.
As one outgrows fairy tales and day dreams, one would prefer quiet simpleness over dramatic flamboyance.
Happiness is never easy, hence the intrigue surrounding it.
Only during those early days of innocence, when thing were ignorantly carefree; that was bliss.

I'm not a pessimist. I used to be a die-hard romantic who totally and absolutely believe in love, soul mates, and happily ever after. I think I still do, believe, though I would have to edit the details a little.

Love is still something you fall into, and that's the easiest part of the entire process. Happily ever after needs to be worked on, it doesn't just arrive on your doorstep, but you deserve to have it, definitely. As for soul mates... Could there be more than one for each of us?

I'll revert back to you on this... Just wanted to share the song.

Just Whistle While You Work*

2010-04-13T22:21:00.000+09:30

If you don't already know, I work for a certain home furnishing organisation we "lovingly" nicknamed the BlueBox. As a customer, when you walk in, because you are so hyped about the displays and busy making a list of what you would like to get for your home, you wouldn't know what it is like behind the scene, or how some of you interact with us. Let me give you a glimpse of the snap shots from my point of view. Bear in mind, outside of this box, I am a consumer too, and I get excited over gorgeous items and ridiculously cute displays too! But some impressions are just so unforgettable!

The classic one would be how we are addressed.
"Hello!! Hello!" (Hello?! Who's on the line please?)
"Oi, I*ea!" (... ... Hold on, I'll get my logo signage to serve you..)
"Chuit! Chuit!" (note: purse your lips up like you are a fish, and suck in air as if you're whistling, but you're not - it's just a very rude sound made by some people who thinks they are signalling the attention of the mamaks at the road side stall.)

Having said that, I do meet some really well mannered visitors, whom sometimes even take the time to ask for my name and say thank you after I've helped them with their enquiries.

Foreign languages are always tricky. But I always appreciate foreign customers who made an effort to speak English, even if they have to fumble along the way. And I try my best to point them to the right direction. They usually leave happy, sometimes with a few bows and curtsies accompanied by "tank-iu, tank-iu!". You're most welcome! Unfortunately, and sadly, it is the locals who aren't so courteous. Just this afternoon, a guy walked into the room I was working in without acknowledging me (but that was fine, leave me alone to work in peace...), and started admiring the shelf I just put up. He mumbled, I assumed to himself, as he spoke really softly without looking at me, "how much is this? no price.. blah blah", and then he walked to the other side of the room and proceeded to say pretty much the same thing. The third time he did that, and he was still not looking me, I couldn't ignore him any more, and rattled a figure off the top of my head. But as I proceeded to explain that the brackets were sold separately, he was already walking away! Wow, he must have been REAL-LY interested! Or was he just shocked that I eavesdropped on his conversation with the walls?

When I work on the floor, I have a cart (trolley) with my name on it. It is actually a 40x60 cabinet, with wheels and a worktop. Totally cool! It holds all my tools, and my ladder hangs on the side. Some of us refer to it as our Ferrari. Well, we have to find ways to humour ourselves, sometimes. Maybe because it has become such a normal thing to us, that we forgot how amazingly intriguing we actually look, carting this little cabinet on wheels with a ladder hanging on the side, walking around the store. People stare, of course they do. Parents would order their kids to get out of the way, for fear that we would run them over. Others get closer still, checking out the details, just as how you would check out the body and rims of a Ferrari... I could just see them considering getting one for themselves! The only annoying part is when I'm working nearby, with my cart parked by the side of the walkway, and strangers start to call out my name, but in fact has totally no intention of addressing me, just because my name is printed by the side of cart! I could be staring at them, and they just see right through me, still mumbling my name as they walk by. Huh, nice meeting you too!

Next to the dazzlingly inspiring displays, we are definitely almost invisible, except when customers want something; they'd wave their arms at us even when we are infinite miles away. Other times, we are totally inconspicuous. I could be working in a room filled with half assembled products, plastic sheets all over the floor, the lights not yet connected, and customers would walk in, drawn by a certain cabinet, or sofa, or bed or whatever that strike their interest... And there I was, crouched on the floor, fixing something or another, but I might as well have been just another piece of furniture! Some actually had the decency to look surprise on their way out, as if to say "oh, there's someone here?!". Yes, we are so proud of our products, so happy that they are getting all the attention! Don't mind me, I'll just go sit under the table until you're done!

Entertaining huh? And that's just little snippets of my days (4 years and counting). Please rest assure that I totally understand my responsibility to serve the customers - you - and I do it wholeheartedly - even when a healthy looking grown man asked me to pick up a 30kg flat pack while he and his wife looked on - yes sir, as my name tag says "Here to assist". Meanwhile, thank you for contributing to my little scrapbook of totally interesting encounters!

No More Miss Nice-Girl

2010-04-13T17:31:00.004+09:30

Wen introduced me to a local Chinese radio/TV DJ's blog, and I spent some time going through her writings. One entry struck out at me. She wrote about an ex-BFF whom she's stopped getting in touch with after a certain incident. She wondered if by rejecting this person, she had, infact, became cold and unfeeling? Or is it just that as we grow older, we learn when to say no, when to draw the line and not put up with the bulls**t some people throw at us?

I can relate to that. I used to be perceived as (and also see myself to be) a nice person. If I had a fall out with a friend, and the other person flared up and walked off with a huff, I would immediately think it was my fault, and dread the thought that someone, somewhere, was mad at me, or worse, hated me. As a little girl, I used to get home from school, crying to my mom that "I have no friends!". If only I knew then, that some people (even 8 year old girls) got a kick out of belittling others, just to make themselves look good, to be popular.

I used to believe that if you are good to someone, they will definitely, in turn, be good to you. And so, when this nice (naive) girl fell in love, I brought the same philosophy into my relationship(s). I was (and still am) such a giver. I can be so supportive, loving, a good listener; I cook, wash, clean, and whatever else one does when in a relationship... I'm not saying that I did not receive anything in return. However, there is a (big) difference between being loved and appreciated for being you, and being needed because you are such a dependable giver. I learnt that the hard way, and a big part of it was my own fault, no denying that!

When it comes to friendships, I guess my attitude was similar. I might have been a little quick in "judging" how nice or friendly the other person might be; I might have jumped to conclusion too quickly and labelled the person a BFF, just as long as I get the feeling that I could "click" with this person. Yeah, I am a "feeling" person. So, I could have poured my life story out to this person, hand make her gifts, exchange endless SMS's, have cocktail parties, and whatever other girl-bonding stuffs one does in the quest to achieving BFF status, all within a short time. Ah well, and later I wonder why I'm all huffed, hurt and disappointed when so-called BFF turns her back on me with the snap of the fingers, and have totally no bad feelings about doing just so.

I can be so gullible! But one thing I have no regrets about - I was (and still am) always genuine.

I've learned to toughen up a bit since then. These days, I am ok if someone decides not to speak to me, or cut me out of their lives, for whatever rightful reasons they believe in. I might feel bad for a while, falling into the old cycle of blaming myself, not wanting others to think bad of me, but I quickly snap out of it. And if someone wronged me, back stabbed me, betrayed my trust and friendship, used me - well, I know I have the right to not want this person around me, that it is ok to feel so, that I have a right to be the bitch if that was what it took to protect myself. I refuse to be taken advantaged of just because I am nice. And if I sometimes end up looking all heartless and cold just to prevent myself from getting hurt, well - grow up! Also, be thankful that I am not revengeful; I don't (usually) believe in doing bad things to others just because they did it to me.

My daddy asked me some time ago, how did I suddenly turned into such a tough cookie - what happened to that little girl who ran off at the sight of lion dance, costumed mascots, cute dogs and old folks with wrinkled hands? Well daddy, when you get pushed far enough, you either fall, or you spring back!

Oh hey, but if you are genuinely nice, I can only be nicer!

Love One, Love More

2010-04-13T12:59:00.003+09:30

My ongoing curious fixation to analyse love, men, women, infidelity and everything else encompassing relationships is never ending. After Tiger Wood's scandal, it has escalated to become almost an everyday lunch/dinner discussion topic, and most of the time not on the positive side. Funny, love was supposed to make us happy, wasn't it?

Usually it would begin with the story of so-and-so having found out that her husband or her boyfriend was cheating on her. And most of the time, in such cases, funny enough, the said husband or boyfriend still wish to remain in the current relationship; whether he continues to see the other woman, that's another question.

And this is where my (wailing) frustrating questionings begin.

I no longer believe in all relationships ending in fairytale-like happily ever after. I mean, come one, let's be realistic. By this, I don't mean that I'm encouraging every unhappy couple to run to the court! A marriage is, among other things, being happy and contented with your partner, that one person you go to sleep and wake up with, the one who shares your life, shares your responsibilities, shares your jokes, your tears, your disappointments, your coffee, your supper... But if you're no longer doing so, or if you have found someone else besides your partner whom you would rather share those mundaneness with, then maybe it's time to start thinking, and questioning. Loads of circumstances and reasons could contribute to untimely death of a relationship. Sometimes, it could just be that you just don't love each other that way any more, and that is okay!

What I am not okay with, however, is the partner who wants out, who in fact already has one foot out the door, refuses to end the relationship, while at the same time enjoying sharing pillows with the new found love/lust. That (in perfect imitation of my dear manager), is NOT O-KAY.

It's bad enough that your partner found out you're cheating on them. But to be selfish enough to think you can juggle both, wife and mistress, bedtime stories and pillow-talks? Wow ~

I can only speak for myself. If my partner no longer loves me the way he used to, and he has found someone else whom he can talk to deep into the night, someone to share that bottle of beer and those sour cream and onion chips, someone who also doesn't mind doing his laundry and pick up his dirty socks, then please, by all means, go! I'd rather have that, than to be left at home, wondering what he's up to, and if and when he'd be home, smelling of another woman on his skin.

But maybe in some situations it is not as simple. Maybe children are involved. Or maybe she cannot imagine living without him, seeing as she's been totally dependant on him for the good part of the past 25 years or so. Maybe it's just a fling, and he might still come back to her, one day. Maybe people will talk, and that's too much to bear. Maybe, maybe.

Whatever it is, I believe in never compromising your own principles, and your rights to be happy. So you shared a life, a home, and kids for the past 25 years. It doesn't mean you have to spend the next 25 being miserable, disgruntled and bitter because your man now divides his time (un)equally between two families. So people talk, but they will also get bored, or forgetful, and just find new things to talk about. And they aren't the ones going through it, so they can talk till the cows come home and make their way out again, but they can never pretend to know what you're going through.

At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter what others think or say, or even what your man is telling you (and he will tell you anything just to get what he wants!). It's about you, and only you. Are you okay with it? Are you sleeping well at night, be it alone or snuggled up to another warm body? Are you happy? Or are you just wasting time waiting to be happy?

And recently, there are more and more examples of women who are just as likely to cheat on their partners, and leave the men weeping in the kitchen.

Maybe monogamy is the way to go these days?! Ugh, do we want to go there?

One Of Those Days

2010-03-15T18:05:00.003+10:30

3pm, Monday afternoon. It's drizzling outside; I've been alone most part of the day, even at lunch, and I'm working myself into some kind of mood. So here I am, writing, a little aimlessly.

To be honest, I've not done much. Or I've done a lot, depending on how you want to look at it.

I caught up on C's blog, and sent her an FB message to update and find out what's new. Yes, catching up with my besties is something I've not been doing. I even have difficulty catching up with my own life sometimes!

After C, I went to another blog. Gossip Girl's. I'm not watching Season 3, yet. I don't have access to TV at home at the moment. We have 4 working units, 3 hooked up to Astro, but I've never had the chance to "book" in my session. Oh well, there's always DVDs, and then I can watch them all at one go. Meanwhile, I find out all the goss and gloss from the blog, which is equally juicy, just minus the eye candies and fashion ooh-aahs. It will have to do, for now.

Lunch was a browse through Borders, and then off to Subway to pick up an Italian BLT. Also dropped by Cold Storage for some brushcetta biscuits and green tea. Which reminds me, I should fix myself a cup soon.

Didn't I mention this is totally aimless? I am never one to write a report of my day without actually making a point about something; should I even post this at all?

Well, one reason why I'm like a lost puppy today is because my other half is missing in action. It does make me sound totally uselss and dependent by saying this, but I guess I'll have to admit it's quite true. He's at home, probably resting in bed right this moment, trying to catch some shut eye because he'll be working from 8:30 tonight all the way till 7 tomorrow morning. However, he did not fail to check in every so often, making sure I got my lunch, while also cheering me up with silly jokes when I was trying to locate my bearings and figure out what to do with myself. Sweet.

Well, let's write this off as "one of those days", shall we? I shall go grab myself some tea, and then continue with Gossip Girl. Sounds like a plan!

A Tweak Makes A Diff!

2010-03-10T23:31:00.000+10:30

I attempted to revamp the blog today.

First, I changed the layout from 2 columns to 3 columns. Oooh, I suddenly gained so much space on the side! But then I realised my main text in the middle looked kinda squeezed. If I was only posting pictures, and minimal text, it wouldn't have been so bad. But my blog is about text, and they need a little breathing space to look good! Ok, then I decided to give the columns a rest for a bit, and see if they'd grow on me. Off I went exploring Backgrounds instead!

Retro, vintage, shabby-chic, polka dots, stripes, yellow, red, brown, nautical, floral, buttons, ribbons - *gasp* - where do I even start?! I settled for a yellow based, white dots with a cute little button on the side. Retro-ish/ vintage, I would say. Not really the image the blog has been portraying, but oh well, I was in an experimental mood.

Due to the background, I had to start changing the colors in the layout to match the tones of the new background. Off went the turquoise and the pink, and up popped some mustards and browns. Hmmm... Still don't look quite right.

I removed the 3 columns, and reverted back to the old template, but kept the background. Still not right.

I removed the background, and went back to the old colors.

Finally, I downloaded a new header, and - Tadaa! Blog revamped!

Haha! I know, I know... but it wasn't a total waste of time. At least I discovered loads of creative and gorgeous websites offering free backgrounds and extras! Its just unfortunate that I like to keep it simple, and not have too many swirls and blinkies and banners running around my page.

Another plus point of this maintenance spree is that I'm back in touch with the blog, having ideas of what to feature, what else to add, and look - I'm even dropping a quick post! Yay!

Bee Report: The Dragon's Reign

2010-03-09T13:45:00.001+10:30

The Bee took Monday off, visiting her friends in Underland (the new name for Wonderland, according to Tim Burton). Tuesday, first day back at the "farm", and guess what's been brewing? Not honey, that's for sure!

One of the Wood-Peckers is missing, permanently, but no one seem to think there's anything wrong with that, except for some who were already in the know. The Dragon's been playing the chicken game, getting the Horse to do his dirty job while he was away ("I want him gone before I return"). Hence, the Wood-Pecker's been sent packing without much of a good bye, with the reasoning that "if I can't work with him, neither will the rest of team." I wonder for how long the Dragon will try to delay addressing this to the rest, or maybe he never will? Maybe he'll leave it to his Pets to deliver the announcement. Typical.

There's a stench surrounding the Black Swan's desk, and Mama Peacock's been pinching her nose every time she walks through the area, and she have to do that quite often, considering she's only 2 "plots" down. But I guess the stink is the least Black Swan's worried about right now; Mrs. Horse pounded up to the "farm" the other week, and all everyone could do was sit back and watch the drama unfold. Unfortunately for us, all exchange were done in hush whisper, so we could only guess: has Black Swan and the Horse's secret love nest finally been exposed? Speculations, speculations...

This just in: The Dragon dropped by my little hive with a package - a souvenir from the airport shop, I assume. A peace offering? Bribery? Is that suppose to make up for all the things he promised to make happen but didn't? He's probably hoping to make himself feel better, to ease off the ever amounting guilt of his own doings. The Bee can be many things, but she can't be bought off, and she is certainly not cheap!

Enough from me for now. If this goes on, The Bee might just become a regular!

Stay buzzing!

Random(s)

2010-03-05T18:35:00.000+10:30

Y and C kept telling me I should write more. And I wonder why I'm not doing so. It's not like I don't have ten thousand thoughts going on in my head every millisecond, just waiting to explode.

But then, it was never my intention of turning this blog into a bitching column in the first place; as I have yet to find solutions or answers to the ten thousand mind-boggling thoughts, it's unlikely that I am able to share any highly profound and enlightening wisdom at this point of time. It's not really me either to tell the world what I've had for breakfast, lunch, dinner and whatever else I managed to fit in between. And since I've not been plucking ideas from the air just for the sake of blogging, unfortunately, this dry spell might just drag out for a little while longer.

FB takes care of the spur of the moment, shout-out-loud one line status. Polyvore has allowed me to express my creativity and have a little bit of fun, especially during those dry moments where I can no longer think or react to anything structured, but find simple joy in putting together fashion collages according to trends, colours and iconic styles which strike my fancy.

Other times, I need to blast the iTunes to block out thoughts. Some times, mindless games on the iPhone, like Sneezies and Bejewelled is a way of zoning out from life for a moment or two.

But not to worry. Nothing is so big or horrible that it can't be resolved. At times, it's more of the mind, rather than the environment and the people that live in it. And when the mind has had enough, when the limit is reached, we will get back up to where we were and life will continue on. Let's hope it happens sooner than later?

Falling Into The Apple World

2010-01-11T15:21:00.000+10:30

I have just entered the "Apple's World" of endless possibilities!

Daddy picked up my iPhone last week, and I spent a couple of days configuring it and fiddling around, finding my way through the buttons and the sliding screens and fumbling with the mini keyboard which makes me feel that I have fat fingers *bleh*. Just being able to check FB, and B having access to Skysports any time, any where, is enough to make us go "Whoaaa!". Tap-tap Revenge got my wrist muscles into knots and my head buzzing.

But I was only skimming the surface!

A short chat with a friend who's also a recent owner of iPhone got my head spinning. Spirit-level device on your phone?! Not that you would ever want to leave it on the edge of a shelf, checking the level, while you drill it to the wall - but still! Coolness!

And so I started searching the iTunes store for anything and everything that comes to mind, and you would be amazed!! I know I am! Anti Mosquitoes application, anyone? MagicSleep - sleeping aid for toddlers and infants, but works equally well on adults. Need a mirror? A vibrating massager? An aquarium? A baby rattler? What about a lie detector?

Seriously, I was so distracted by all these I almost forgot about the normal, boring stuffs I was supposed to download, like emoticons, blogging application, recipe finder... maybe Spanish for beginners, or a Pedometer? I know... Maybe I should go find a pocket yoga master or something!

Welcome, 2010!

2009-12-31T17:11:00.003+10:30

I'm not one for new year's resolutions, never been, never will. There are some things which just can't be made different just by the date on the calender. And some changes can take place in an instant, with no regard to the time or day.

I'm sorry about this mellow note in the midst of the holidays. Maybe it's just an excuse for not coming out with a list that many people might be making right this moment.

However, I am looking forward to counting down tonight, and to welcome yet another new year; thou we don't have a single clue as to where we'll be or if there's even going to be any partying involve. I guess a little unknown could add to the excitement.

In the absent of resolutions, I do have a little wish to make... May 2010 take me places where I yearn to be; and wherever I am, to always be my true self and to stay true to myself.

Happy New Year, everyone! May you always be surrounded with loads of love, peace, hope and happiness!

I Don't Like You!

2009-12-29T19:18:00.002+10:30

I know it's not good to hate people. Ok, hate is a very strong word, especially when I hardly know this said person, and you know me, I'm never the Bitch... Dislike? Does that sound better? Anyway(s), as the existence of this said person has been nagging me for quite some time now, I think it is only healthy (for myself) to let it out. Of course I cannot promise that I would stop disliking this person after I blog about my feelings, but I should let it out, don't you think?

Now, where do I start? Alright, to make it easy for both you and me, the said person is a female (naturally!). And as I said, I hardly know her; I've probably only met her twice in my life so far, but thanks to modern technology (namely Facebook), I have enough indirect interactions with her, and have found out enough about her to know, I don't like this person.

I don't have enough history with her to tell you how everything started and snowballed into the current situation, so I can only pluck things out by random in recall of the times she did or said something to tick me off...

One major thing would be the way she addresses her ex. Tell me, who in the right mind would continue to call her ex by the lovey-dovey endearments they used to use when they were dating - except for an attention seeker, which I'm beginning to believe that she is one!! Imagine her, walking on the street, one arm around her current partner, and when she meets her ex, yells at the top of her lungs "Baby-honey-bunchyyyy!!"... ... It makes me think of 2 things: one, she's still not over him; two, she thinks she still belongs in his life. Pfffff!

Again, being an attention seeker and acting all cute and sweet, she enjoys leaving gibberish messages on other's Facebook walls just to get a respond, any respond - as if to say: "yooohooo! here I am!! Look at me, look at meeee ~ !!" If she really was this cute, petite little cherub with perky nose and rosebud mouth, maybe it would have made a difference.

The thing is, I don't believe she really needs the attention. Judging by the collection of pictures and the amount of friends she's got on Facebook, she's got a complete entourage going already! But then again, attention seekers can never get enough attention, can they?

So, you may ask, just how is she affecting my life? Well, she just does. End of explanation. Someone should put her in her place instead of allowing her to run amok causing unnecessary nuisance. We are all adults. Please be considerate and behave like one?

Right, that was me at my bitch-mode. And phew! - it really does offer a certain sense of relieve too! Hmmm... I might do so more often, as and when she provokes me again.

Bee Report: Calm Before The Storm

2009-12-17T13:32:00.005+10:30

If I were a bee hovering around the office, what kind of stories do you think I'll find?

It's 8 days to X'mas, and although the preparations and decorations are all well and done with (I know of a certain someone who is suffering from an overdose of baubles, ribbons and poinsettias, and is ready to throw up at the very mention of the word "Christmas"), however for most people, the excitement is only just building up! There's a last minute scurry this morning (and I foresee for the next few mornings leading up to the last weekend before the holidays), trying to reorganise things to enable better shopping experiences and at the same time ensuring sales targets being met. Now what does that translates to? I'll leave it to you to fill in the blanks.

In another corner of the office, Christmas is definitely well and over, and Chinese New Year is just about to explode in a storm of reds. They are planning to do things a little different this year; rumours have been peeking out here and there in the shadows, but the God of Prosperity himself is no where to be found yet. People are beginning to feel a little restless and uneasy with being kept in the dark, and you can't blame them, can you?

Meanwhile, for the second time today, the Dragon head has been asking someone if she's ok, for she looks extremely exhausted. And for both times, the answer was "Fine". Now, would you really tell a dragon how you're feeling?

It's fun being a bee!

I Miss Me

2009-12-15T17:42:00.003+10:30

This afternoon, I am reminded of a conversation I had with a certain someone 2 years ago, who was an avid supporter of my blogging and writing. He told me I was funny, and had a way of putting words together. I suddenly miss that feeling of writing free-flow, not really caring if my thoughts were important or if I was changing the world, not having to sound particularly smart, aiming to impress.

I used to blog about anything, from the books I'm reading to the afternoon rain to the stranger on the train. For some reason, at one point of time, I stopped making my blog so personal. I'm not sure why, but my posts eventually took on a more "article" attitude; I only blog when I have something to say, a point to make, a statement to declare.

Maybe it's time for another change, although I'm not exactly sure yet how. I quick browse through my old blog brings back such memories, and with it a sense of liberation. And yes, it was so much fun! I'll get that back, I'm sure I will! ... I just need to establish a new structure - still me, but different - and go from there. Oooh ~ I'm excited already just thinking about it!

I've missed me, have you?

3.1

2009-12-13T14:35:00.003+10:30

(I started writing this on my birthday, but got a little distracted... so please excuse the present tense references in the beginning part of the post, but I'm no longer on the 18th floor.)

What does it mean to turn 31?

I am on the 18th floor at Maya, looking over Concorde and KL Tower, and Blogger Boy is showing on TV. The chilled glass of Moscato is an indulgence at 12 noon, but it's my birthday, so I can do whatever I want!

The messages came flowing in early morning, and it's definitely warm to know that people remembered, and made the effort to drop off wishes, be it on FB, through SMS or the amazing call from my family who sang the entire "Happy Birthday to you... ~"!

So what's it like to turn 31? It's a little different from turning 30. There's less expectations, for one thing; no big celebrations, no balloons, no special surprises, no guest list and stressing over how many will turn up... And that all are not important. What counts is sharing the day with people whom I love and loves me back; even a simple room service in my jammies can be turned into the best birthday dinner ever!

I think I like turning 31. It's a little scary if you're just looking at the numbers themselves, but it's not how old you are, rather what you do about it that matters. I have things to do, places to go, dreams to fulfil and people to share all of that with. At the same time, I want to enjoy every moment, and not wait till I'm 50 before taking the time to "see the world and smell the roses" (just because by then I am supposedly able to afford to slow down and enjoy a little more luxury - supposedly).

Cheers to being one year older!

"Fish" You!!!

2009-11-12T23:27:00.003+10:30

I have a tendency of being over polite. It is not a good thing. Especially when I end up spending half a day seething silently and having pretend confrontations in my head, when I should be letting it all out.

I was SMS-stalked, for a little more than 12 hours. It started with a wrong number. My phone rang during dinner last night, and thou I did not recognised the number, I answered anyway, only to be asked (in Malay) "Where are you?". Caught 0ff guard, all I could say was "Sorry?". And then the caller (a "he") hung up. I thought nothing of it and shrugged if off.

Less than 5 mins later, I got a text message which went something like "Can we be friends? What's your name?".

Ha!???

I ignored the message.

At night, chilling with a DVD after shower, another text came in. "Sweetie, so what's your name?"

That was a little too much, don't you think? I consulted Ally, who told me to just ignore it, and the person would probably get the idea. I was already quietly boiling inside, but thought, oh well, maybe the person really would just give up if I ignored him. And so we called it a night.

The thing with stalkers, they take you by surprise.

We are preparing for X'mas in the store, and I happened to be the coordinator, which meant I was running around like a headless chicken making sure everything happens when they should, where they should, as they should - which never happens. And in the middle of baubles, x'mas trees, fairy lights and meter ribbons, I received another text. This time, he wasn't so friendly anymore. "Oi! Playing high and mighty are we?" (but in a more uncultured, crude and grammatically incorrect tone, of course).

I was so ready to burst! In my head, thousand of sentences rehearsed themselves, getting ready for the big showdown.

Scenario number 1: "Who the F**k do you think you are and what do you want? I don't know you, and I'm not interested! My dad's a Police Inspector, would you like me to report you?"

Scenario number 2: "Who do you think you are to talk to me like this? And what childish games are you playing? If you want to make friends, get onto Facebook, idiot!"

Scenario number 3: "&^*##%#$^&(*)!!!!!!!!! *$)#(%)&!!)*)*_#*_#*#)*%)#$*)^#()%*!!!!!!!!!"

I am never a confrontational person, nor do I have frequent outburst, even when I'm angered. But if ever there was a time, it was then, at a faceless stranger.

The Carpenter Boys came to my rescue. After telling them my story, we called Mr. Wrong Number from my phone, and waited. And waited. He did not pick up. Chicken!!

But then he called back! Hah! One of the boys answered, and greeted him politely.

"Hello?"... ... "Hello?..."

"... ... ..." The line went dead. He hung up.

And that was the end of my Wrong Number Stalker - I hope!

But I did spend the rest of the afternoon replaying other possible confrontational scenes in my head, and most of them involved me yelling at the phone. It took me another 2 hours of presents wrapping before I could calm down.

Moral of the story - my parents should have taught me that it was ok to be impolite when the time calls for it!

I Want To Fall In Love With You, Again And Again

2009-09-11T20:28:00.001+09:30

(A special dedication to all who believe in Love, especially for Cassie, Alicia, Ching, Ling, Jess, Wei, Yen and Baby Ally... And lets hope this marks my come-back to Blogging!)

A girlfriend wrote this on her blog:

"I miss you.. The man I fell in love with. Why do people change even when things around them remain a constant? Is there always an end to the "honeymoon" period of a relationship.. or do we just develop into a stage where we take each other for granted... naturally.. like how I will run to the toilet for a shit after a cup of hot coffee?

Why can't I love the same man all over again everyday, as if each day is its last? I can.. but can he ?"

Things may seem constant, the same; the damn alarm always goes off at the very same second everyday, just when you are sinking into the most delicious dream... The traffic sucks, as always, with the usual number of F1 driver wannabes on the road; the same load of senseless blabber they call "work" at the office; the sun rises and sets, the moon gets from fat to sexy slim and simply disappears before peeking out again into the same cycle, the rain, the snow, the wind... Everything appears to be constant, but in fact, they never are. Things which should change, like the world economy, is not giving. People and feelings, which we wish would freeze in time, drifts through our fingers, sometimes faster than sand in the hourglass.

We are just another fragment of this rhythm. How could we escape the same fate?

We meet, we fall in love, our heart beats like butterfly wings when we think of the other. We go through an entire day sipping water and still appear to be glowing; we have difficulty catching our breathes, much less have sushi for lunch. We want to hold hands, hold them tight, and never ever let go. We want to capture that first kiss, and keep it in an air tight time capsule. We replay over and over the first time we hear "I think I'm falling for you...", "I love you...", "You are the woman I want to marry...".

Is the honeymoon period really only a period? A period could mean "a point in time", "a chapter" or even "the end". Instead of seeing the relationship in terms of honeymoon and post-honeymoon period, maybe it is more like steps on the stairs where we start from the bottom and heads up. Up is always good isn't it? Better still if the stairs is endless? If honeymoon is really a period and happens in the beginning of the relationship, then we are required to graduate from that in order to move on to the next stage. And if the current stage sucks, maybe because it takes longer to learn some things, and we need to go through it repeatedly in order to get it right, before we can move on to yet a higher stage.

Also, who's to dictate how long honeymoon lasts, or if there can only be one honeymoon? If life is a graph which dips down and accelerates skywards over time, relationships could be same. The saying "if you don't experience unhappiness, how then would you appreciate the happy times?" is more true than we want to admit. But if we see happy times as periods not for looking back, but to be created and lived in, again and again, doesn't that make it easier to get past the gloomier days?

Each step up the stairs help us see ourselves, and each other, in a different light. But maybe, as long as we are taking the same step together, and heading up the same stairs, we will never get lost, or lose each other. But if we are on parallel stairs, different steps, or heading a different direction, can we find a common ground, a puffy cloud perhaps, to identify which stars we've been following?

Love is never easy. We struggle for love, to keep love, to be loved. Everything about us changes everyday, from our looks to how we feel. Nothing ever stays the same. But lets try to believe that it is possible to find love, to hold on to love, and, yes, to fall in love with the same man, again and again.

Finally, to quote my own FB status of the day: (Girl) ... know what you want, and never compromise your right for happiness... never apologise for being who you are, and don't let anyone tell you who and how you should be... Just be YOU! And be loved for being YOU!

Writer Wannabe

2009-04-17T18:32:00.003+09:30

I'm beginning to wonder if my writing juices can be triggered by certain substances. Oh, I don't mean drugs! Erm, not the illegal ones, anyway.

My fever went up to almost 102 yesterday, and the (right) meds came not one moment too late. I spent the afternoon between sweats and chills, lying on my back, my stomach, my side and on the floor. And at the very end of the (very lonely) battle, I have all these words running around in my head - and they actually made sense! Without bothering with a laptop, I took out my pen and journal and started writing. And this was what I wrote:

If I were ever to go for a job interview to be a writer, this is probably how I'm going to sound.

I discourage cliches. But I don't think I've met all of them to know which one to avoid. Hence it is inevitable to hook up with one cliche or another occasionally, especially when they do succesfully get the message across, most of the time.

I love to write. Now, that must be cliche number one! Anyone can write. Have you noticed the amount of unknown, writers wannabe on the shelves, just waiting to be discovered? Many usually end up at your local "Read-More-For-Less".

Yet, here I am, trying to write. And hoping to be the different one. Hope - well, sometimes that's what you need. That, plus some instinct, lots of perseverance - oh, and a good spell checker!

The English language is - humongous. Not in the sense of the amount of words, but in its flexibility which will never cease to amaze. An Irish, a Japanese and an English writer can all be using the same language, yet it would turn out so differently. English can be a language in itself, and at the same time a translator of many worlds.

I used to wonder why only young writers below the age of 25, and "more experienced" ones over 40 get published. But it does make sense. When you are young, you take the world in like a sponge to water (cliche number two). It is like an explosion of flavors, right there in front of you. Some fall straight into it, while others observe from the edge. After all that, if you can re-emerge and translate what you have seen in such a short period of time into words which makes sense and that people want to read, then, I guess we got us a writer! And when you are 40, the colors of the world aren't so blinding anymore. You have experienced the rush, and now, you can slowly take them apart, explore each pulsing point and tell the story of each and every flavor.

So what happens to the other writers stuck in between? They wait, I guess. But while they wait, they are collecting all the possibilities and experimenting in their own little world. Their day will come. It's just a matter of time.

The Day Of Loves And UnLoves

2009-04-16T10:00:00.003+09:30

There's is something about the coolness of the morning air, which can never be duplicated, not even with the quietest, state of the art air conditioner. If only it could last just a little longer, if only the sun wouldn't come up too quickly. But then again, what was it that they say? Something about not noticing and not appreciating the beauty, if it is there all the time. They could be right, and wrong, at the same time.

It's a Thursday morning, and I'm watching Restaurant Makeover on AFC. Verdict: Special! Even if I'm not really paying too much attention at what they are cooking up. It's a Thursday morning, and I'm on an MC, 2nd day in a row. Verdict: 50-50 - the being sick part sucks.

What sucked even more was waking up to find myself curling up in a ball under the quilt, shivering with my fists clenched up till the hurt. Took me half an hour just to move out of bed to pull on a jacket and yoga pants, and another half hour to get downstairs for some water. Verdict: Sucks big time! Oh, one more thing - ever heard of Wing Hing brand Paracetamol? I haven't. And developed an allergic reaction to it. What the f**K?! It's only Paracetamol, doc, you can't afford a proper brand? Ever heard of Panadol??

But I'm not here to whine this morning. Not entirely. Because there are things to love about my day, and my life too. Just like the beautiful, cool morning air - even if it could be fleeting.

I'm currently reading Jodi Picoult's "My Sister's Keeper". I've not read her before, thou I've seen her more than often on the shelves, a little too often actually, which sort of caused the hesitation. Anyway, I can't say I'm totally in love with her just yet, because I'm not a big fan of reading about medical and law, but she does deserve her share of credits. I'm almost near the end of the book now, thanks to the fever keeping me up till almost 4 in the morning. There's this phrase which shook me a little - you know how it is, when you come across some words which you can totally relate to, something that touches you.

"You don't love someone because they are perfect,"... "You love them in spite of the fact that they are not."

I think that about sums up what love is all about. Yet, so many out there (including myself, at times) are constantly thinking about "the perfect one". Who and What is "Perfect"? We are not, so why are we expecting our partners to be? And when you think about the other side of the story, to be loved even when you are not perfect - not That, is Perfect. Verdict: Love it!

Lastly (or maybe not), it was Aunty J's birthday yesterday. We've been gearing up for the big day this whole week - if you check out my FB, you'd see us having started the celebration since Monday. The plan for last night was to get dressed up, head off to Gardens @ MV, and step into any restaurant that strike our fancy. I had cold sweat pouring over me while I sat on a Mammut stool, shampooing my hair. I had sweat mixed in with my foundation when I tried to do my make up. But at least I was still only 5 minutes late to pick up the birthday girl and our bodyguard of the night.

At Gardens, we settled of Alexis - and ordered bubblies! Chink-chink! Yummmm! However, very soon, we were not the only chic ones there anymore. It is MV Fashion Week, darling, and by 9pm, we were surrounded by Datins who look like they are in their mid 30s - ordering champgne just like ours, models sipping martinis and watermelon juice and looking like they are 30, but are probably only 19. Then there are the Upper-East-siders of KL, air kissing everyone in sight - but they skipped our table, trying to hide the confusion, because we were smacked right in the middle of their party! Haha - too bad! Verdict: 80% Fun! (the 20% goes to the fact that I was too sick to stay for the 2nd bottle)

Lastly - really now, 'cos I'm sneezing like mad and need to rest. I'm watching The Ellen Degeneres Show, and I wish I could be like her: wake up in the morning, get to work, and make people happy. How nice is that?

Ok... Sick babe, signing off.

Don't Push

2009-03-20T20:10:00.002+10:30

I didn't realise I'm a pushover, not in so many words, but - hm, I guess I might just have to face the facts.

I was talking to B on the phone and he was giving me one of his lectures. I deserved it - totally, so I didn't even try to argue back. I won't go into details, but the bottom line was that I've allowed people to walk over me. We were talking about work, but the theory could have been applied to many other things - family, relationships, friends, people.

Sigh ~ they have a name for people like me, don't they? Please don't say it. That is one thought I do not need to hear out loud.

Being nice is one thing. Being taken advantage of being niceness, well, that's not nice anymore, is it? How come I've never learned how to protect or defend myself in that way?

I'm not saying that I won't stand up for myself when necessary; I am just not so obvious is that way. I always attempt to be peaceful, to be reasonable and understanding, to see from the other person's point of view... But when that becomes the norm, its like a part of me already, and I forget that I need to look out for myself too - because most people won't.

But I have never been the type to start an argument, or get defensive at the drop of hat. And I won't start now. There has to be a "middle way", a balance? Not to pick a fight, yet not get trampled all over and go crying to B or whoever else who bothers to care at the point of time. What's the use of fighting when the fight is over?

Don't push me - that's all I would say, for now - 'cos when push comes to shove, I might just walk away and not turn back, and it will be too late. That's my way of protecting myself. Might not be the best way, but if I'm squeezed dry of niceness, what else do you think you'd find?

Write Me A Picture

2009-03-16T23:29:00.002+10:30

I was at Bangsar this evening, sipping Caprioska and taking in the entire vibe of the day, when I found myself wishing I had my camera with me. And then I stopped myself. Almost everyone is snapping away every minute of the day, recording everything from the shoes they wear to the food the eat to the shops they went, and of course, the ever popular party pics - they are everywhere!

Anyone could do a picture documentary of their day, their life, all thanks to camera phones, wifi, FB and the works. But it is not photography. And I reminded myself not to fall into the trap. Don't get me wrong. I mean, it is amazing to be able to capture the moment and post in on FB, tag all our friends and everyone gets to share and be updated on what you've been up to. Nothing this sophisticated or convenient was possible, even 5 years ago. However, despite the saying that a picture is worth a thousand words, sometimes, words are still the more powerful tool when it comes to documenting a moment, or making sense of a situation. In fact, captured at the wrong time, just a second too early or too late, a picture could very well end up sending the wrong message!

Not being able to capture the scene with a camera also helps train the mind to remember more, to take in further details and store it for later use, because there is nothing else to rely on. And so, I found myself mentally recording the way the birdcage-shaped lighting hang artfully from the white branches across the ceiling, the light jazz playing in the background layered with the tinkering of cutleries, glasses and dishes, the buzz behind the cake counter, and the ridiculously young and casually chic crowd who were enjoying late afternoon tea while inhaling their Malboros and Dunhills.

Now, how's that for a picture?

No Try, No Sale

2009-03-02T18:19:00.005+10:30

I was strolling through this UK-originated departmental store at the Curve during lunch time, drawn in by their "50% off" banners at the window, and ended up at the swimwear and lingerie section. The bikini sets I was eyeing on were on discount. Though I won't be taking another beach holiday anytime soon, a bargain is a bargain, and I picked out my size and headed for the fitting rooms.

Now, we all know that you can try swimsuits, including bikini bottoms. Frilly panties, no, but I was never forbidden to try out swimwears and bikini bottoms. So, imagine my surprise when the 2 girls at the fitting rooms started sorting through my 5 pieces of items, and handed only 2 back to me (the bikini tops).

Excuse me, I'm confused, how else would I know if they fit, if I don't try them? Its not like they will allow me to exchange when I've paid for them and realised that they are not the right size! And we are talking UK sizes here, not your usual S, M, L, XL. Even a size conversion chart is useless because its swimwear, not panties, and they changes when they are wet. I can't have them hanging off my bottoms, or worse still, look like my buns' been squeezed into them! Why do you think there's a plastic sticker at the crotch of every swimsuits and bikini bottoms? And I don't think anyone is stupid enough to try them on without their own undies on anyway (ewww!).

Well, to cut the long story short, there was no sale. The price was right and I really would love to have them. Times are bad, as they say... and customer service which are unprofessional and illogical just doesn't cut it. Their lost...

Happily Ever After, Part 1

2009-03-01T23:59:00.003+10:30

When it comes to love and relationships, I don't know where to even start blogging. But in the recent weeks, with the amount of conversations I've had with different people on similar topics, it has became harder and harder to ignore.

Men, women, love, marriage, sex, commitment, promises, responsibility, growing up, refusing the grow up, courage to say yes, courage to walk away, sacrifices, compromises, giving in, giving away - when you come to think about it, it is amazing how many intricate links there can be in the lives of mere 2 persons. No wonder they say that it is most probably fate that 2 person's path crosses, meets, falls in love and go on to live happily ever after. Except, is there ever a happily ever after?

I'm not in the position to comment. This blog is not about making judgments. I only mean to observe, and to respond to what I am observing.

Boys will be boys; men, will be boys... A little negative, but mostly true. There are exceptions, I'm sure, or shall I say, not so much of exceptions but that they know what they should be doing, and not just what their heart (and the other part of their body) tells them to do. By this, I am not talking about the 25 year olds out there who are having a blast and breaks the heart of every girl who crosses their path. I am not even talking about 35 year olds who continue to live the lives of the 25 year olds. I am talking about men, grown men, with family, with a mortgage, with children who respects and look up to them, with (hopefully) a reputable job and their (supposingly) wild days waaaay behind them. I was told men love challenges, and excitement, and can't say no to temptation. My question is, do they have to fulfill them at the local bars and clubs? Does challenges and excitements and temptations comes only in the form of defying the wife and stay out till 4am, drinking like their body can still accept the alcohol, and chatting up girls (note, I said girls, not women) who are so obviously out of their league?! Is that seriously suppose to boost the ego and make them feel extra good about themselves? And so what if they prove that they are still desirable and able to play the game? What then?

Contentment - a big word, really. Because human beings find it hard to just be happy with what they have.

There's more to come, I'm not done yet... Stay tune.

Your R 'n Bs

2009-02-25T01:03:00.004+10:30

When have I started searching for your type of music, even when you're not around, bugging me to download new songs?

This is for you... Enjoy.

Chocolate High

If we make each other happy, then we just can't lose

I don't mean to be decadent
I might sound like a hedonist
But the simplest way I can put it
You become a habit
The more I consume, the more I gotta have it

Ain't no such thing as too much
If you gave me everything it'd never be enough yeah
My black coffee with sugar no cream in the morning
You're my super double caffeine dream yeah

Your precious darkness got me so strung out
Aand lovin' the way that you got me so wide open, my babydoll
Jonesin' and fienin' under my skin
My nerves are screamin' when you're not here
See baby I need ya sugar, you're so delicious

(CHORUS)
There is somethin' about your love
That makes me just want to open up
Your flavor is the sweetest thing in life
I'm addicted to your chocolate high
Cause I want you, and I know that you want me
So let's stay close like we supposed to be
And just get high off our own supply
I'm addicted to your chocolate high

I be trippin' in so many ways if I
Go a single day without a taste of your love
The finest cuisine of today's world
Five stars, oh you're so gourmet girl

I crave you, I want you
Every cell in my body needs you
Tasty like Hershey's and Nestle
You're rich like Godiva boy you just so sexy

Your flavor is the sweetest thing in life
And I don't ever want to come down
I'm addicted to your chocolate high

The Endless Battle Of Good And Evil

2009-02-25T00:31:00.002+10:30

I just abandoned my latest copy of UK Glamour to blog about how cyberspace has the ability to take away lives, indirectly. It is astonishing and absolutely saddening.

G Report, by Jill Foster, in the March issue of UK Glamour, highlighted the rising toll of suicide rates among celebrities in South Korea. One of the reason behind the suicides: Cyber-bullying. According to the article, many internet users would take advantage of anonymity to criticise celebrities and even make up ugly rumours which aims at destoying the the social status of the victims. Quoting the liaison officer at the Cyber Terror Response Centre in South Korea, "People could lose their job or it affects their social life, even causing mental illness."

At the end of the day, it's all down to the "people", isn't it? The internet is only a tool, which could be both good and evil, depending on how you want to make use of it.

We have come to a point where it would be quite difficult to live without the internet. I think the longest I can stay away from checking my mails and FB and reading blogs is... 2 days? Even then, returning to my FB homepage makes me feel like I've missed a big part of something... And lets not start talking about internet banking, booking air tickets and making hotel reservations, even ordering pizza, and - ooh, shopping... and the list goes on.

Yes, the internet is like, the bestest ever creation, by far. But where there is good, there lies evil. Some people are just not contented with catching up on the hottest celebrity gossips, they want to create some of their own. Writing about our own lives is not exciting enough, lets blog about the lives of others and make a party out of it. Can't vent out enough about that ex who walked out on you? Lets make sure the cyberworld knows about it too!

What happened to privacy, responsibility, integrity - what happened to plain old respect?! Is ruining the life of another person actually making your own better?

I wouldn't know, really. I can't even begin to understand!

People, human beings - we are both the creators and the destroyers. While the struggle continues, it is easy to forget that we have the power to make everyday better, if not for the millions out there, then at least for ourselves and our immediate environment. It does, truly, starts from just one person.

A Little Appreciation Goes A Looooong Way!

2009-02-11T23:08:00.004+10:30

Work at the Blue Box has been quite crazy, and this will go on for another couple of weeks or so. Well, I'm not really complaining. Just stating a fact: Work's been crazy. Ok, full stop. I shall say no more. But I meant to mention it so that you'd know one of the reasons behind my sparse and few updates. I haven't even the energy to comment on FB anymore. The status line would not be enough to hold what I have to say. I'm so tired, my tailbone is aching again.

However, exhaustion aside, while catching up with C's blog entries, I came across this phrase which describes me so well, yet never dared to shout about it. (Darling, hope you don't mind I borrow this line!) "But.. I am a Sagittarius. A true-bred Saggi.. I always like to know that I am appreciated for the things I do.. even a simple Well-Done or a pat on the back can make me fly. I don't need the world, I don't need a standing ovation. I just need a sincere word of thanks... I am that dumb. Show me some little gestures of appreciation, and I can propel myself to the galaxy and pluck the shiniest stars for you."

Both C and I are Saggis. Probably one of the reasons why we click and get along so well. The similarities are surprisingly fun to uncover, and I find myself going: OMG, girl, I know EXACTLY how you feel/ what you mean/ and etc.

Back to about being a Saggi... Its so true what C said. Be it at work, at home, in my relationships, I do the best as I know how. I may not be brilliant, but I do try. I may not always deliver, but doesn't mean I wasn't doing something about getting there. No, I do not need an award, or a trophy, or public recognition; only simple acknowledgements, "thank you", some gesture of appreciation, if not for the task then at least for the effort.

Its not about wanting to bask in glory and attention, or brag about achievements. It is about having the people who matters tell you that they know you are trying. And with such acknowledgements and appreciations, I will want to do more, go further, be better!

I give sincerely and quite readily when it comes to relationships. I don't really care or calculate if I'm doing more. As long as I love the person, and the person is worth it, I will do what I can, within my means, to make him happy. But I am not stupid. I do not keep giving when I realise I'm beeing taken advantage instead of appreciated for my actions. And if you do truly love your partner, you would realise the things they do for you too, be it big or small, and acknowledge them at the right time. I'm not even expecting a V's Day celebration, let alone lavish gifts and ridiculous proclaimations of forever love. In fact, it is the everyday words and thoughtful actions and appreciations which counts!

The same theory applies at home, with family, at work, with bosses and colleagues ~ ok don't get me started about work... But really, many times, its easier to criticise and to judge - the bad stuffs always seem to be highlighted and pointed out with blinking neon lights visible miles ahead; while appreciations and encouragements conveniently get overlooked or brushed aside.

Bottom line is, everyone deserves to be asknowledged and appreciated for their work and their effort; Saggis just need a little extra push to continue performing... But thank you, C, for pointing out the obvious, and for embracing the true Saggi spirit with no apologies!

Alright! This blog has taken long enough (got interrupted by a visit from Alicia, and had a good girly chat session...).

High Mambo ~

2009-02-01T13:35:00.003+10:30

Note to self: I should try to refrain from blogging in the middle of the night, especially having just got back from clubbing. However, that is when my mind is hyper with the adrenaline and thoughts and observations of the night threaten to overflow, bubbling above the alcohol. But it is also when my censorship guard is down, and might end up saying more that I should have! Hence, I have edited my last night (3:30am this morning)'s post before putting it back up again.

If I tell you "Life's good!" and "I just got back from Zouk and have lost my voice" - all in the same sentence, you'd probably summarize it down to the fact that I'm high and don't know what I'm typing. Well, we'll see...

I did have a fantastic night - quite unexpected, for myself, actually. At 11pm, I was reading "New Moon" in the TV room, visualizing every other minute of my comfy bed, and grumbling silently at my forever slow sister who was changing into the 4th or 5th top and running into my room to borrow accessories. I didn't even realize that the boyfriend was already waiting at the gate, probably for the past 15 minutes or so. Well, he was used to having to wait for her.

The rest sort of happened in a blur: us rushing into the car, apologizing for the delay, picking up Mable, filtering through the night traffic, queuing outside Zouk and later got rescued (thank you Jon - I was secretly praying that I didn't have to endure the que for another minute!), which sped up our entry. Despite the amount of people outside, Velvet Underground's dance floor was still literally empty, thou moving bodies lined the edges. Our table was just off the platform, so most of us were already on the floor even while trying to get our drinks sorted out. They started with retro earlier in the night, I guess that explained the absence of dancers. Phuture was a different story. I also ended up on the dance floor the moment I got there, thou the intention was just to say hi to a few new faces. It was obviously a younger crowd, with the DJ spinning hip-hop and R&Bs. I got dragged straight in by the music, but there was hardly space to move anymore.

Once the flow settled in, it was one beat after another, one wave followed by the next. I remember every moment of it, yet do not have the need to record them... Except for a few highlights...

Why did the VIP members do nothing but stared down from the balcony over the pulsing crowd at Phuture on the dance floor? They have all the luxury of space up there! Oh I know, it was more fun downstairs!

To the tall, big guy in blue and gray stripe shirt: your back was good to lean on when the dance floor was packed to the max, but your choice of rhythm was a little hard to follow.

To the blond guai lo who looked too old for Mambo, and sounded too young for his own good, thank you for insisting that I do not look my age! Lets hope I keep it that way, for a long time to come! (psst! that might mean less night out... - oops, didn't hear that!)

Verdict: its easy to lost yourself in the waves of moving bodies. I bet many girls agonized over the perfect dress and the immaculate make up, but seriously darling, do you think anyone care when you're squashed up against your neighbor's armpit? I guess the moments of fame sort of happen 10 minutes before you enter, and another 2 seconds on the dance floor when lights happen to hit you, but that's about it. Other times, just give yourself up to the beat and have fun!!!

p.s.: be careful who you give your number to...

Pass Past

2009-01-30T13:41:00.000+10:30

I used to blame my ex's exes for spoiling him for me.

Whoever who said that the past is the past was obviously lying. Even if you started off with a fresh clean slate, even if you parted on great terms, even if you took a five years break from your last relationship - no matter what, past relationship(s), good or bad, will always leave its marks. One word, one action, one incident; something could inevitably trigger a lost memory and bring forth the latent emotions. Never mind that it could be a different place, different time, different person, different character, principles, philosophy, blah blah blah - once bitten, twice shy - its not fair, but its there.

If it was an unforgettably good relationship which came to its destined end, whoever who came after, and after, have a lot to live up to. Sometimes, its not so much about comparing, but more about what have inevitably became a part of your life that you are used to having and sharing, almost too naturally, only to realise with regret that it may not be so natural for the other. Is the new (different but) better enough to make up for what is missing, what used to be natural?

And then, if it was one of those relationships we see everyday, with its fair share of demands and tantrums and break ups and make ups; you might think its easier to offer something better, something more, as long as you are different, and not repeat the same mistakes the others before you did. However, bear in mind, you could be a saint even, but memories are locked within the other person's life, and similar emotions (i.e. a violent tantrum) though triggered by totally different circumstances, could call forth similar reactions because it reminded them so much of the same thing they went through in their past, despite the fact that you were never there, but end up at the receiving end of the same results.

I used to not be able to indulge in mini emotional moments for fear of being related to having a melt down which might involve objects (sometimes hundreds and thousands of dollars worth) hurling through the air. First thing first, I have nothing worth of value to throw around. Secondly, I'm never that stupid, even when emotional. But does it matter? Somehow, unfair as it may seems, when emotions and tears and a few angry words surfaced, I was no longer me. I can see it clearer now, but not then; when such situations arise, in my ex's head, it was not about who he picked a fight with, but how he could get himself out of yet another similar disagreement with an emotional and senseless female who might or might not start throwing the table lamp at him. Human minds can be quite silly and easily tricked when it gets involve in the matters and people closest to heart. Rationality is not a close friend one could call upon too frequently under such circumstances.

Oh but its not all doomed and gloom! Its not easy, be it you've been burnt bad or worshiped like a god in the past. We are all individuals, and we all deserved to be treated as our own person. Its easy to take things for granted when life is all rosy and nice, but if you apply one formula to each of your partner, thinking that just because it worked the last time it would work this time round too, then I fear you might not be paying too much attention to the person you claim to be sharing your life with. One popular example, which I would love to hate, is how men try to reason all woman's sudden, unexplainable mood swings to PMS. PMS wrecks enough havoc as it is, please don't complicate the situation more.

Love with your heart, and be true to yourself. Sounds almost meaningless when you say it out loud, yet it could sum up a lot of things... One more thing, he or she would not be who they are without their past - and you did choose them, didn't you?

Old New Friend

2009-01-21T15:39:00.004+10:30

I realize I've been MIA for a while, thou I've not exactly been on a break. I think I was kind of taking a break from myself, but I was never lacking in thoughts or ideas to blog about. Just the opposite. I was almost exhausted by the constant bombardment before I could voice them out. Despite recalling an art history lecturer's words about the need to record (unload/ download) our thoughts in order to make space for new memories, there were days when the system just crash or hang in confusion, before the shut down procedure could be carried through.

Did we just started the new year? It is still only January, isn't it? I had a thought during week one: different year, same week.

If I'm giving the impression that I am tired, despite being only the beginning of the year, and seem rather hopeless and restless - maybe I am. But that's not my blogging intention for the day. So lets not indulge in the whining.

I met up with a primary school friend whom I've not seen for atleast 8 to 10 years. And even then, we were not especially close. However, I do remember calling her my best friend in Primary One, and we used to exchange notes. Memories of her include ballet, long limbs, loose uniform (because she was so thin - she still is), short skirt (because she was tall - still is too), English - not many Chinese school kids speak good English back then... and other bits and pieaces, put together by a child's mind stored into the memory bank of my adulthood.

Many things make more sense when look from our current point of view. What did a "best friend" meant to a 7 year old? Holding hands when going to the little girl's room? Sitting next to each other in class (and end up getting sound by the teacher for talking in class, most probably); sharing food during break; showing off new stationary to one another...

The feeling I experienced as we chatted through a vegetarian dinner last night, was one of having met an "old-new-friend". She is familiar because we knew each other as kids. She is a friend now because we swapped stories of ex boyfriends and exclaimed over similar not-so-great experiences of men from a certain country. We were absent from each others' life between high school, college, uni and even the first part of our working life. But when I introduce her, I will always say we are classmates from the same primary school.

I think, I've not only been taking a break from myself the past few weeks, but also from life itself. I have not been sitting on my ass watching life's ups and downs from a distant; I was at the receiving end of waves after waves of the mundane-ness of life, from work to family to boyfriend to meeting new people to catching up with old friends... It's been one of those I'm-doing-so-much-normal-stuffs-I-have-no-time-to-digest-and-breathe moments. Nothing permanent.

There are times I stop myself to just watch the blur and listen to the heartbeats. Its pretty nice, and fortunate I might add, to know and be able to step back and capture your life instead of opening your eyes one day and wonder where the last 50 years went. Its absolutely normal, and sometimes necessary, to get sucked into the crazy rhythm. But when you can step away from the flow once in a while, even if just for a breath's moment, you might learn to appreciate the tempo even more when you jump back into it.

I'm learning... Or at least, I'm trying.

Welcome, 2009!

2009-01-01T04:03:00.003+10:30

Happy New Year!!

Its 1:34am, 1st of Jan, 2009. Any0ne who knows me well enough (which is not many), would know that I should (and wouldn't usually) be up at this hour, new year or not. But I am (despite so many spelling mistakes which you don't see - because I'm high on cheap wine!), typing away on this moment-worth-remembering, and I'm telling you: We are Soooooo gonna have a good year!!!

Baby is driving home, safely, I hope. Little Sis is still hanging with her friends, despite mom's "usual but not unexpected" naggings - which means I'm not the one to "get it"...

And... 2009 is welcomed with lots of hope, and joy, and love (and all the other cliches you can come up with) ...

I recall, sitting in the dark (due to a power failure), ushering 2007 alone, and thinking: something big will be happening - its just a matter of when, how, who and why.

Its 2009, and I can tell you, whatever "premonitions" I had 2 years ago, are not only executing themselves, but bringing with them unexpected surprises and promises. I am happy (in case you are wondering), and looking forward to creating more values, and miracles.

Happy New Year! I wish you joy and peace, wherever you are!

"Watch This Space" - like what they say...

A Little Bit Of Everything: Merry X'mas!

2008-12-24T20:22:00.002+10:30

Its less than 10 minutes before "official" X'mas celebrations can begin, and I thought I could still squeeze a quickie before packing up and heading for seafood and wine at Aunty's villa *winkz*.

I have a tag hanging at the back windscreen of my car, saying "Naughty or Nice", where there's a tick in the box next the "Naughty".

Do you think I'm naughty, or nice? Or a little bit of both?

I had the line "Shu is seeking for balance..." under my FB status since the beginning of the week. Some call me idealistic, others probably think I'm just dreaming in my own personal Cloud 9 which is a disaster in the making, but I DO believe in being able to reach a point where everything is just nice, just right. I'm not there yet thou.

They call in the "middle way". Not this, not that, but somewhere in between, or higher, or in a place of its own; between good and evil, where true value can be created.

Was that a big mouthful? *shrugz* That's ok, I'm a "work in progress". Just happy to be able to dump all thoughts, big, small, uselss or wordly - somwhere!

So, its X'mas eve and Aunty, B and I managed to cook up an impromptu celebration plan of our own. In a way, its better than attending some party where I'd probably spend half the time agonizing over how I look, what I say, who I'd meet and what I'd do. The other half, I'd drink and dance my way to silliness. Well, our plan doesn't guarantee that I won't be drinking, but atleast I know I'm in the company of good friends, and I can just relax and enjoy, while snow blankets the streets somewhere NOT in this country.

I hear sleigh bells!

So, have you been good this X'mas?

Off To Break (Be Back In 15 Mins)

2008-12-23T22:30:00.005+10:30

Ever have friends whom you love dearly, but at one point just had to take a break from because they were plainly draining you? I have that problem - with myself.

I've refrained myself from blogging, because I don't want to come across as whiny or negative or bleak. Everyone has their days; we are only human, but I'm just tired of always sounding the way I do, hence I've decided to take a break, from myself.

Don't worry, I won't be doing anything silly or drastic. Just gonna surround myself with things and people that makes me happy, and (hopefully) come back refreshed and ready to fly again.

Meanwhile, Merry X'mas and Happy New Year to all!

Day 184: She Said, I Said

2008-11-12T00:14:00.005+10:30

31 days to Naked @ 30

This is what she is telling me.

Some days is not like others. Some days, she just want to be herself, and be with herself. No more being cautious and doing what's best. Some days, she just want to be.

Some days she gets too tired to think, to act, to smile, to acknowledge or to speak. Some days, when all seems right and nothing's wrong, it is no crime to just walk, and keep walking.

Some days, when the world becomes too crazy, too fast, too quiet, too loud; when there are questions with no answers, when judgments are made before justice is found, when they talk too much or not enough - she is there to witness it all, but she fades into the wall, to watch but see nothing, because there is nothing worth seeing. Looking too hard will only blind you.

Some days she gets lost. Not lost lost, but just not wanting to be found, and not wanting to find her way out. She knows where she's going; just doesn't feel like getting there yet. But there's no need to panic, she'll find it soon enough.

Some days, all it takes is spending 5 minutes in the dark, by the window, wearing nothing but her heart, her life. 5 minutes of looking into the night, at the rooms across from hers, and listening to nothing. Deep breathes. The light in her hand brightens and dims, and finally diminishes. Time stops, and then moves again.

The phone rings.

"Are you ok?"

"Yes, I'm ok."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

And the spell is broken.

She returns to where she is, connected, linked, part of a whole, a slice of the rhythm which will keep on turning and moving and breathing and beating. She can stop, but what's the fun in that? And so she will continue on, to realise and discover, to laugh, to cry, to speak, to read, to walk and run and jump. She will continue to Be.

"It'll be fine. Just put one leg in front of the other, and keep moving." That is what I'm saying to her. "I got you."

Day 176: Woman's Talk

2008-11-03T23:19:00.005+10:30

As a woman, I am giving myself full rights and this little bit of time (however long it takes to write this blog) to whine about the complications of being a woman - wait, that is being a woman in relation to love and relationships - if I were to write down ALL the complications of being a woman, I might as well just start a book.

It isn't easy being a woman; some days it might be a little hard for me to love myself, much less ask to be loved by others. There can be so much going on in that little head in the space of half a second - Yes! You won't believe it, but yes!

I recently had a little chat with a girl friend about women and their insecurities. After the chat, I'm happy to realise that I am normal, but that still doesn't explain why we are sometimes the way we are. Catch us at the time of the month, and the insanity doubles, or quadruples!

If you are in a relationship, and it isn't the first for the both of you, no matter how confident a woman you may be, there is bound to be issues of ex-es, if they are still lurking around. Do they still meet up? If they do, how often? Do they text, or call? What do they talk about? What do they still want with him? Yes, you like it that he is such a sweetie and is able to stay in good terms with the girls he used to love (in case things doesn't work out between you and him, you can be sure you can still call him up for drinks, and bitch about life), but... ?? And the old pictures, presents, cards, letters - ouch! If they don't mean anything to him anymore, why are they still lying around? If he meant to keep them, at least be sensitive enough to put them out of sight, preferably forever! Then again, women can sniff a hidden treasure a mile away - if you have something to hide, it might mean bad news.

And it doesn't just stop there. From the present, the mind drifts to the past. Did he use to kiss them like that too? What nicknames do they have for each other? Did they plan to get married and have already pre-selected their babies' names?

Most men would say its psycho and suicidal to even allow the mind the wonder there, but you have no control of the woman's brain. (Sorry if I sound irresponsible, I am in the mood to defend my species tonight). Which is why we are so different, men and women.

If you and your partner are each other's firsts, congratulations! No ex-memories to haunt you there! But that doesn't stop the senses from wandering, and the mind to continue its wondering ways. Maybe he would think of straying, because he'd yet to play the field and sample the goods. Or, worse case scenario, he is your first, you are his number whatever - dammit, how would you know you are doing the right thing and savor your many firsts, when he's been with the others and they've probably spoilt it for you already? And I don't mean physically! Tantrums, insecurities, mood-swings, attention-seeking-moments - nothing is quite so refreshing anymore, unfortunately.

Ok, lets say you've gotten the past and the X-files out of the way. There is then the issue of now, and later. How do you have your man, and keep him? The old experts like to describe it as flying the kite; knowing when to release, and when to pull back. But they fail to tell you that flying a kite does not involve such intense emotions as a relationship requires. Lose a kite, get yourself another. It won't necessarily break your heart, unless you have some special limited edition ones, which I then assume you should probably have the equivalent skill to hang on to it. And its quite unlikely that your kite could fall in love with a new owner and follow her home, and later tell you it had just went for a drinks with the boys at the bar.

At this point you must be thinking - this is one insecure female talking! Yeah, I do have my moments, I am not ashamed to admit. But mind you, I am also capable in picking myself up and snap out of the breathless spin. It is easy to get yourself into such mental tangle, but knowing when to stop and step away is crucial. Realizing your self-worth is an important factor. Being able to separate facts from the stories your head made up to taunt you is another. Most of all, trust yourself, and then your partner - he chose you, didn't he? And if you've done your best and given your all and he still decides to screw up, his loss, honey.

However, having said that, some of the irrational and utterly nonsensical insecurities are not as absurd as they sound. There is one more trait about being a woman, and that is the infamous woman's instinct. Through experiences, both others and my own, it is almost a crime to take it for granted. Even on days when you decide to trust your head instead of that nagging little feeling, they almost always prove themselves right. Instincts surpasses logic sometimes, but they are there - I think its meant to protect us from getting hurt too much, or experience too much pain unnecessarily... Am I making sense?

Its not something we women can explain, but ask any woman, and you will get atleast one story of what happened when she listened to that little voice in her head - and I don't mean the psycho one.

We know. Full stop.

Day 176: Welcome Through

2008-11-03T17:34:00.004+10:30

3pm is the time of the day when everything comes to a stand still. Morning has long passed, night seems an eternity away. The eye is threatening to close. It can't be due to having stuffed myself at lunch because there was no lunch. Maybe it's because of the absent of coffee?

Tracking my blog traffic last night, I realised that there are many new visitors, first time guests to the blog. I can look at it positively - yay! more traffic, more exposure! Or, OMG, strangers are trampling through my literature life!

My blogs are not very structured, though I do try to categorize them as properly as I know how. I often do not blog about one thing and one thing alone. But also because of that, I guess it's not too difficult to follow if you happen to jump in at the middle. I am not too worried about being judged, as I usually choose not to blog about anything unhappy or negative or over controversial. And contrary to my previous entry, I do not bitch. Preferring to write about happy times or positive thoughts is a way to preserve and realise the memories.

My blogs are made up of thoughts which needed to be explored through writing, moments worth recording, events and people which touched my life; anything negative only serve as a reminder, of not to revisit or repeat the same journey again. To protect privacy, I seldom blog about specific individuals unless I know they don't mind. I usually prefer to talk about the experience I have with the person, rather than about the person themselves. So, if you think I'm bitching about you, don't flatter yourself. But if you think I'm singing praises, take credit, by all means!

I do wonder what goes through your mind while you read my blogs, and what makes you come back. It's not so common for people to leave comments these days, but feed backs from friends through other sources have been encouraging. Well, whatever it is, thank you for your support, because I don't think I could continue writing if there wasn't an audience. But contradictorily, because I have an audience, there are some things I can't write about...

Day 175: Code Name - Bitch

2008-11-03T00:18:00.006+10:30

I just got tagged as "one of the bitches", but in a good way.

I made a new friend, and she quickly included me into her entourage. That's one of the sweetest thing to do, considering that we've only met up a couple of times since we were first introduced early this year. Its not difficult to warm up to her fun chirpiness, while her (private) blog offered a different dimension of her and acted almost as an "express autobiography" which allowed me to catch up on her life to date.

Many would say that as you get older, it becomes harder to make "real" friends, and I can't help but to agree with that. Sometimes it does feel that even as my social circle grows and my memory bank expands with new faces, as my calender is filled up with one appointment to another, as I add yet another friend on FB - there are days when I can honestly tell you that I have no one I can truly trust enough to blurt out my deepest darkest stupidest - whatever - thoughts, and not worry that the person would turn his or her back on me, judge me, laugh at me, and walk away.

It really isn't easy to find a good friend. And sometimes I get disillusioned into believing that I might have found one, and naively pour my soul out to her a little too quickly, only to realise that maybe I should have held back a little. But that is me... I might be slow to warm, but when I do, I get hot!

There are so many different kinds of people out there, with so many attitudes and characters and personalities - some even come with a varies of personalities in one - it is not surprising to feel that there is no one out there who are truly "real". And in order to protect the vulnerable heart, some days you just have to trust that bit lesser...

But when you do find that special friend, you will know it - all the way down to the tips of your toes! Thank you, babe, for being my friend!

Day 167: Hear Me, Hear Me

2008-10-25T20:12:00.004+10:30

A girl friend has a private blog where one can only gain access through invitation. And because she only allows her closest friends in, she is able to blurt out anything and everything within that little world of hers. I am suddenly envious of the freedom...

My reason for blogging is to be heard. But thoughts come in so many different level. There are days when I have something to say, and don't mind who hears it. Other days, I have thoughts which needed to be heard, but I don't need the world to know about them. Maintaining more than one blog would be too much of a hassle, and unreal, somehow. My life is not linear, but neither can it be split into different volumes concurrently. Does that make sense?

I have a weird memory of not being listened to when I was a kid. I admit that my thoughts can be quite, erm, how should I put it - not very straight forward, at times. I need to say it out loud before I can make full sense of it. Which is probably one of the reasons why I write - to make sense of things. But when whatever that comes out from you does not make so much sense, and at the same time laced with emotions which others might not be able to make heads or tails of; especially when you are just a kid and what you say probably doesn't hold as much importance when projected into the life of an already busy adult, it is quite easy to be ignored, or shushed into the background.

I remember wanting to find out about where human came from. I was only 8 then, and thought it might be a smart question to ask Mummy. At least I was being inquisitive. I meant it as a scientific question, as in how did the first man came about; it had nothing to do with sex and baby-making. But a supposedly intelligent lunch time conversation quickly turned into traumatic drama when I wasn't being taken seriously and ended up throwing a tantrum on the dining room floor, crying because the answer given was not satisfactory and Mummy couldn't quite understand what the big deal was. She probably thought it was funny. Next day, my class teacher was no help too. She gave me a weird look because she was caught off guard, and said, "We all came from our mummy's stomachs!".

I didn't know it then, but thinking back, that was probably when I first realise that sometimes, or many times, people don't seem to take me seriously when I speak. But "why?" - I have yet to figure that out. Maybe it is my tone of voice? I do tend to sound emotional; you can easily tell if I'm happy, excited, bored or upset. B likes to remind me that I am quite transparent, no matter how much I try to cover it. But making my emotions known isn't wrong, is it?

Of course these days I attempt to be more guarded and not just throw "the feelings of the day "onto just anyone. But the thoughts and emotions still got to go somewhere??? Which gets me back to the question - why do people not listen? Do I always have to have something important to say to grab your attention? Can't I just be me and be heard?

Day 161: Thank You, For Everything

2008-10-19T23:36:00.003+10:30

I suddenly have an urge to count my blessings, just to remind myself of all the things to be thankful for... (in no particular orders...)

1. The art of (your) humbleness, which shines through when confronted with arrogance and faces the battle of egos.
2. The silence of listening; knowing that someone is listening, even if only for a few minutes.
3. The ease of laughing from the very depths of me, without restrain.
4. The comfort of acceptance, even when I drifted off in the middle of the conversation and had to be drag back.
5. The bliss of exchanging girl-talk, over FB chat, and feeling absolutely natural, like we are chatting face to face - jumping in on top of one another, gossiping about you-know-who and laughing it out.
6. The fact that there is someone to have a girly chat with, on a Sunday evening, when its pouring outside and I'm dead tired to do anything else... (p/s: for the record, I brought work home too, and yes, they are untouched, too!)
7. The warmth of being appreciated; hearing you say simple "thank you"s, again and again, sincerely, and telling me that you know and appreciate all the little things that I do... Thank you!
8. The idea of familiarity, understanding who you are, why you do the things you do, and realising that my understanding of you is not far away from who you truly are - knowing that I know you...
9. The ability to ignore the fact that it's a Sunday night, which means it's Monday tomorrow... (how long will I be ignoring it..?)
10. The sound of rain hitting on the roof, a natural lullaby; bed time is near...

Thank you, for everything.

Day 159: Trust You Not

2008-10-17T14:36:00.006+10:30

There is much to learn from the simple story of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf". Just how much of it do you remember?

A bored shepherd decided to entertain himself by calling out "wolf", and had a good laugh watching the nearby villagers scrambling up the hill to his rescue, only to find out that it was false alarm. When the shepherd was actually confronted with the wolf, the villagers no longer believed his cries for help, and the wolf ate his entire flock. In some version, the boy got swallowed by the wolf too.

There are a few angles to the story. It is more than just "never tell lies". Yes, it is plain juvenile to make up stories just because you are bored and needed some entertainment and attention - but people do that all the time, I can give you a few names just off the top of my head. If the stories are harmless, fine. You get your entertainment and everyone is safe and happy. But if your stories require people jumping up and climbing over mountains to get to you, just to find out that you are sitting there laughing your head off, its not funny at all. Especially if said people also went through emotional strains sympathising with poor little you, believing that you really needed help. And while they climbed those damn slopes, they were (sincerely) thinking of ten thousand ways to rescue you from your "wolf".

Some lies and stories just goes on and on, because you need to tell a 2nd lie to cover the 1st one, and then a 3rd to cover the 2nd, and it just goes on and on - probably up to a point where even you don't know what's real what's not. How fun is that? And it's even more exciting when you need to fabricate different version for different group of people. So many details to add, or omit. Oooh - now you've created your very own Gossip Girl drama to last you through the next 5 seasons or so. Entertaining, indeed!

The poor "villagers" who bought your stories. Some even tripped and scrapped their knees in their haste to get to you sooner. While others pant and struggled to reach you before its too late, before the "wolf" swallows you whole. What about the children they left unattended at home? What if that's where the real wolf headed? Oh but you aren't capable of such remorse, or you wouldn't even have yelled out in the first place.

Where do I come in? I was one of the villagers who rushed up the mountain, of course. Almost broke my leg running to you... Ah, but I only have myself to blame. Trusting as I always am...

I could have fed you the wolf myself, but I'm not the mean and evil type, unfortunately. I'd just leave you be. Have fun with your sheep.

Day 154: Drunken-ness

2008-10-12T04:47:00.006+10:30

When your boss becomes your BFF, you know you're drunk. In fact you are waaaaaay drunk. Get yourself home before you make MORE a fool of yourself!

I just got home from a party which sort of went way better than I expected (you can tell if you can see me typing now - takes me 3 times to get the word right! - its not the mind; the physics are totally f**ked up!). But - hell - its one heck of a way to socialise!

From eating crayfish, to drinking Schnapps, to hearing your boss tell you how cool it is that you've found your soul mate, to salsa with your colleague, to being offered the a spare room at your boss's place so you can continue drinking and not worry about who's driving home... to drinking Sambuca, to still being able to get yourself home after that (but the driver did not remember driving me, how scary is that??!) ... God... You must be wondering why the hell am I still at my laptop typing away - and still making sense??! ... Because I'm amazing, that's why.

Ok... I've made a fool of myself, enough... Goodnight, beautiful (btw, that's the book I'm reading, and it's amazing...)

p/s: I dunno how they can survive weekends like these... From what I heard, it usually goes on till 5 in the morning!... Well, for their sake, I hope they are ok. And it was fun while it lasted...

pp/s: I waited till after the weekend before coming back in to edit this post, and cringe at every bit of it. But it's already been published, and I've decided not to take it out. However, you will not find me trying to write when drunk again, ever!

Day 151: Restless Stillness

2008-10-09T17:45:00.003+10:30

It is again, one of those days, where time is too short, days are too long, and the week just stretches on to infinity. I am restless to the point of - nothing - can't even begin to put it into words!

Hunching over the laptop drawing boxes after boxes is giving me kinks in the neck and shoulders that no amount of stretching can relieve the tightness. I shift between design websites, FB and work every other minute, and nothing seems to be moving. I've been plugged into my earphones for the last half an hour before realising that there's no music playing. Scrolling down iTunes only reminded me that my collection is becoming boring. Back to the net again, browsing for new beats to download, only to get distracted and started searching for new books to read! And on and on it goes... Almost an hour since lunch, and I'm wondering why tea break is taking forever to arrive.

Get me out of here!!

I've been thinking about my direction lately... I wonder if I'm one of those who gets bored easily, who can't bear stay stagnant. I don't expect non stop actions; I've always thought of myself as being pretty relaxed, yet lately, I wonder if the opposite might describe me better? I am not very patient when it comes to having to wait 3 years before seeing that my life has progressed by a huge 2 inches leap, and then spend another 2 years pondering on where I've taken the wrong turn.

I'm trying to undo the knots in my neck again. I'm doing it every 5 minutes. People must start to think that I'm having some sort of spasm. I should stop, before I go into a verbal fit.

Day 149: Have Courage To Stay True, Stay You

2008-10-08T00:51:00.003+10:30

Never, ever, ever judge a book by its cover. Its just plain arrogance.

I am talking about people, naturally.

I recently visited a friend's blog, and got hooked catching up on her life. I might not know her very well; my first impression of her is that she is a bubbly, sexy, fun, positive and charismatic person who seem to be having a good time and enjoying what the world has to offer. After visiting her blog, she is still very bubbly, sexy, fun and all that, but most importantly she is very real, and raw, and honest. Life might not have been sunny every day, but she is riding along. Her courage hits me, right there, where my heart is, and almost took my breathe away. It is not only the courage to face everyday with a smile, but also the courage to reach out, to be true, to hold on to every second, to break away, to break down, to celebrate, to mourn, to love, to trust - to Live! You go, girl!

It is so easy to jump to conclusion about someone, even at first glance, even when they might have absolutely nothing to do with you, even when they could just be walking two steps in front of you and you've yet to see their face. I once know an elderly lady, who has a comment for almost everyone she meets or sees, most of them negative, or spoken in a way of criticism, often to make herself look better. Maybe she needed the entertainment.

Certain occasions do call for quick thinking and evaluation, and making fast actions based on what little information you might have. But you know I'm not talking about such situations. I am no saint. I am guilty of forming judgments and making assumptions too. We all do, at some time or another, often unconsciously. Human nature? Maybe.

Reading my friend's blog made me realize a few things, and one of them is that: hey, judgments and assumptions are everywhere, but don't let them slow you down from getting to where you want to go. People might take 5 minutes to conclude upon the 30 years of your life, well, let them! Some opinions might hurt, some carries weight, some are purely crap; what matters is that you stay true to yourself.

Recent events of this past year and my own lessons learned sort of coincided with the thoughts evoked from my friend's blog. People are not only quick to judge, they are also quick to detect new twists in your life which might add entertainment to their otherwise flat day; those who truly cares will not turn your dramas into a gossip circus, nor would they assume the worse until they hear the real deal from you and only you. Those who are shallow enough to hypothesize just to justify to themselves and their understanding of your life aren't worth your time.

There you go. Enough said.

Day 148: Love/Hate Technology

2008-10-07T00:11:00.009+10:30

I was going to remind you of my awe about how technology has "simplified" our lives. But then, the complicated amount of wires going in and out of my little laptop caught my attention. Not unlike the cables they attach to a patient in ICU; there's the power supply cable, the speakers, the USB for my wireless mouse, my thumb drive, all that keeps the laptop pumping and running, I am suddenly struck by the ironic contrast of the whole scene.

It is true that technology did simplify and improved our lives by miles. Some of you late 80s babies probably can't even imagine life without the Internet, FB, PSP, text messaging and the likes of it. But (as you'd probably know too), some sociologist would tell you that technologies has managed to shorten yet stretched the distance between us.

These days, I can't quite imagine writing without my trusty laptop. So I've not actually been "writing" writing; I have gotten used to "typing" writing as my fingers seem to be doing a better job in keeping up with my thoughts compared to my hand or wrist. My handwriting isn't something I'm proud of these days, thou they are pretty decent when I am bothered to take the time with them. However, not too long ago, say the late 90s? I was still writing letters, with hand, folding them into an envelope, stick on some stamps and sending them on their way thru the postbox. Those days, there were actually some thing to look forward to in the mail, not just bills and more useless bills!

That was only 10 years ago, yet it feels like a different world entirely.

Technology can be quite cold sometimes. Maybe that's why its so efficient. Emotionless, almost? No matter how many Superpoke hugs and kisses you might send out and receive, you aren't exactly going to feel physically satiated. Imagine sinking into bed with a silly grin, and when asked what are you smiling over, you reply "I've just taken sexy back from the hottest babe ever!" and then you at "Oh - on FB." ???

Yet, can you even begin to imagine life without tech?

Scenario A:
6pm - knock off work.
7pm - have dinner.
7:30pm - shower - without heater.
8pm - watch TV - TV3.
9pm - watch TV - NTV7.
10pm - bedtime.

OR

Scenario B:
6pm - still at work - FB-ing.
7pm - have dinner, with E! News running on the TV.
8pm - watch TV - Astro 714, while blogging.
9pm - watch TV - Astro 703, while playing Wordscraper on FB.
10pm - shit, still haven't showered!
10:30pm - drying hair with turbo hair dryer.
10:45pm - FB chat with friend in Tokyo, and Hong Kong, and the States, while browsing for the latest season's fashion fix on Shop Til You Drop, downloading podcast and catching up on Gossip Girl's blog - plus answering your darling's text message, reading "baby, wat u doing?", to which you reply "nothing, just thinking of you, sweetness!"... ...

Love it or hate it, but I seriously don't wanna live without it! Now, who's fault is this?

Day 147: I'm Back - We Hope!

2008-10-05T22:38:00.005+10:30

With much surprise, and delight, I learned that there are actually people reading my writing and waiting for new updates at Thoughts: Aloud. I mean, I know I get visitors here and there, mostly loyal friends who supports me regardless of whatever crap I happen to dish out for the moment, but it took more than a few "why did you stop writing??" before it registers.

I've never stopped writing. I put a pause in the blogging, especially on Naked @ 30, because I felt that I needed a clearer direction and not to end up going all crazy and take on the world just because I'll be turning 30 in 2 months. As the day inches nearer, I am surprisingly more relaxed about it - maybe because most of my friends have stepped over the threshold and are still gorgeous and amazing and doing what they do everyday? It's true, 30 is definitely just a number, but what you do about it, with it, after it - it is no longer about what to do about turning 30, it is about what to do with Life itself!

I can never stop writing, even if I tried; I'm just wondering if I can do something more with it. I've been playing with some ideas, different writing styles, a change of focus, new topics, publishing? - but I would need much more research and support before I can even put that foot out. Some might say I'm not confident enough to try?

Turning 30? No, it's no longer about that... we are definitely moving along here, and hopefully the path will reveal itself soon!

Day 114: A Heritage, Of Sort

2008-09-02T21:28:00.003+09:30

I've been listening to my neighbors for almost 18 years. Yes, I hear them more than I see them. I might not even know them if I were to run into them anywhere!

Hear what, you may ask? Not what you think - whatever it is you're thinking...

My neighbors has 4 daughters, and most of them, if not all, are musically inclined in very melodious ways. Almost everyday, for as long as I can remember, someone is always playing the piano. And somehow, they always manage to play all the nice stuffs, never fumbling. Boy they must have cringed when listening to me finding my way across the sharps and flats and arpeggios and scales! Well I am cringing now just remembering those years!

From what I know, at least three of the girls are married off and have families of their own, most of them girls too, from the sound of it, and they have started playing the piano too! Apart from the early years when the babies have yet to tell the difference between banging and playing, decent sounding melodies continue to flow past the wall into our home.

Earlier this evening, sitting in my bathroom waiting for my hair mask to work its magic, I listened to "A Whole New World" and the "Chopsticks", followed by "Happy Birthday" by the entire family, not too different from how they sounded 15 years ago. There was some gathering of sort, and everyone were back at the family home for a celebration. I was suddenly overwhelmed by a great sense of - something. I mean, there they are, two generations of talented women, mom and daughter sitting on the bench, playing and singing - definitely not a scene which happens too often at this day and age! And I found myself asking... what would I be passing down or teaching my children (if and when I get any)? Which then leads to the question, what skills do I have of which I think I'm good enough at (and proud of) that I am capable to pass on to the next generation?

Lets see... My first thought was reading - I love reading, I love books, I love text and words and how they paint a verbal world where you could mentally step into and be a part of. But try picturing me and my children performing a reading session during a family gathering? Nuh-uh; unless we end up operating a library or some old-fashion bookshop or run a reading group or something!

Writing? Boy would it be some very quiet family get together! Singing? Only at karaokes, and I'm not even very good at that!

Maybe there are some skills I have yet discovered?

I can hear "A Whole New World" again... and that's probably my cue...

Day 106: Think, Baby Think

2008-08-25T12:56:00.005+09:30

I'm a thinker.

Took me almost 30 years to realise this (oh wait, maybe the baby years doesn't count... but I don't think it makes that much difference), and I'm in the middle of deciding if its a good trait or not.

But what is it about us, human beings, that we always need to justify between good and bad? Is simply being and having just not good enough?

There's been a lot to think about. Wait, let me rephrase that - there is ALWAYS a lot to think about; it's just the matter of being selective, or create a landslide ending up with me underneath, not being able to breathe, and when I do finally am able to climb out from the rubbles, say "F**k it, lets start from the beginning!"

It's not a bad thing, being such a thinker. Of course, when I lost control and have to handle ten thousand little voices in my head it can be a little overwhelming. But I trust that I always get back on track, despite the conditions; it's only a matter of time, and learning how to breathe while hanging in there. The amazing thing with me is that I know I'll be ok when I get to the end of it, wherever that is, and that it is only a process to go through. On most occasions, I come out from the other end emotionally stronger, and possibly more in tune with my sense of self.

Most times, its about getting back to the core, the basics, the fundamentals - be it in a situation, or in life itself. During a short sharing session with my manager, while voicing out my worries and insecurities regarding some unnecessary office politics, he reminded me to remind myself: "what is the main reason for me to want to continue working with this company? why am I here, and what is keeping me here?"

Yes, it's easy to be affected by others; it is almost inevitable to be swept away with the emotional tide and crash against the rocky clifts thinking that you will never come off it alive. It's easy to forget why you jumped into the water in the first place! But when given the time to think, or most often than not, being forced to reflect, that's when the bare naked thruth reveals itself.

We complicate things. Well, atleast I know I do. And after battering myself with ten million reasonings and questionings, it is the simplest of the most simple lines which jumps out and pulls at me.

Earlier, while browsing for writers' support online, I come across yet another mundane truth: "... And I would suggest that's not a substitute joy or something we try to convince ourselves of to take our minds off the real pain of rejection. The work is the source of joy. ... So remember as you're climbing and imagining looking back down on the journey you've taken: the pleasure is in how you performed down there, not how you stand at the top." (from: Your Writers Group: Rejecting Rejections)

Slaving through the days, aiming only complete one job after another; being the perfect co-worker, the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect sister, the perfect girlfriend, the perfect - everything - where does it ever stop? But at the end of the day, with my head resting on my pillow, listening to my own breathing, waiting for it to calm, waiting for sleep, who judges and applauds? Who's approval and acclaimation and praises am I chasing after? And what does it do for me?

It is indeed easy to forget, the most basic of it all... Derive joy from the process, from the journey, and not the result, the destination. There's only one end to it, one result which has been acknowledge and recognised, nothing new or grand about that. But how to get there, the route one takes, the decisions made along the way, the people, the faces, the emotions and feelings, the wrong turns, the views, the surprises, the discoveries, the changes, the stops, the rain and snow and sun and sea - not one journey is ever the same as the other, even with two person travelling together on the exact same route - how can we forget to enjoy every little moment of it? How can we snub and judge and criticise and wanting to "get it over with", when the process is in fact the most important of it all, meant to be savoured and enjoyed and cherished and respected? And what is an ending so grand without a process worthy to shout about?

The Thinker's thoughts will always churn - but it is good to have reached a certain relief, atleast for now.

Day 53: Late Boomer

2008-07-02T15:19:00.003+09:30

The danger of having a full-on weekend which sort of flowed into a reasonably ok beginning for the week can only mean one thing: Crash-and-burn-Wednesday!

I won't bore you with the fram-to-frame details, but a quick run through of the amount of activities I've involved myself in since last Friday shows:

1. a trip to the lawyers followed by a glass of champagne, and then a cup of tea and a slice of carrot cake

2. dinner at home with the family

3. half a bottle of wine and a Vodka cranberry at 7AteNine

4. hopped from 7AteNine to Heritage Mansion

5. had another Vodka, mixed with what I no longer cared...

6. (yes we are still at Friday night - no, its very early Saturday morning) entertained the crazy idea of switching jobs just because the pay was 50% better (what a time to pitch an offer - 1am in the morning, after countless glasses?! not fair!)

7. had a short hyperventilating session in the courtyard of Heritage Mansion - recovered - drove myself home at 3am and happily listened to Bi nagging and lecturing on the phone about the danger of drinking and driving...

8. woke up with an expected hangover - expected, but still unwelcome!

9. half recovered from hangover by late afternoon, got ready to meet Jess for our date to KL Urbanscape (another party, maybe?)

10. KL Urbanscape wasn't quite what we thought it was going to be, but the acoustic performances were surprisingly good! And KLPac was definitely something else!

11. dinner with Jess @ TGI Friday's and had tame drinks while catching up and exchanging views about men and their disturbingly puzzling behaviours

12. Sunday breakfast with the family on the deck, listening to the light drizzle - bliss!

13. Tea with an old primary school mate whom I've not met since... can't even recall when the last time was! - it was like making a new/old friend - interesting, eh?

14. Monday: back to work - meetings mostly... relatively tame and easy...

15. Tuesday: worked on the floor mostly... not so easy on the body, but still ok

16. Tuesday: bowling session after work started with Happy Hour Heineken and a salad - and then the actual bowling - and then a bottle of red shared 3 ways... Why? Damn if I know!

17. Wednesday: ... ... ... F**k, I'm too old for this!

Ooops! I did manage to give you a frame-to-frame, didn't I? Sorry if it was a drag, but I was trying to make a point, which is (!!!) - I think I've been living the life of a 25 year old this past week, and it's taking its toll... Probably because it doesn't come recommended for someone who's 29 turning 30..?

However, this said someone who's 29 turning 30 sort of skipped this partying-drinking-playing part of the plot when she was a 25 year old. Is she trying to make up for lost time? Sounds a little screw up? Well, why do you think I started this "Naked @ 30" thing in the first place?!!

Day 44: So, Remind Me - What's The Biggy?

2008-06-23T16:33:00.004+09:30

The state of our lives, otherwise known as one's life condition, will inevitably influences the choices that we make, consciously or not. I didn't realise how big a part it would play in my day to day, but then again, it is called "the state of life" so I guess it does encompass everything.

I came up with this "Project: Naked @ 30" to so-call get to know myself better, and I'm not making the effort to hide the fact that turning 30 is a biggy for me. Of course I have to have gotten the influence from somewhere; it's impossible to have came up with the freaking notion myself, of course. And in a way, it's comforting to know that I'm not alone. But, dammit, I don't feel so special anymore!

I mentioned finishing "Julie & Julia" over the weekend, and I went straight into another book which I bought last week when I was out having lunch alone, "Chasing Harry Winston" by Lauren Weisberger (the bestseller who wrote "The Devil Wears Prada"). I swear, I wasn't looking at the age thing, but I was not too surprise to read that the three friends in the book have made some resolutions to change their lives, which were to be fulfilled within the year (before turning 30, obviously!) - sounds familiar? And then there's Anita Shreve's "Body Surfing", which I'm also trying to read but found it a little too heavy for my weekend, about a woman who's 29, twice married, once divorced and once widowed, floundering and trying to move on with life... Can I be any more consistent?

I (We) need to stop making turning 30 such a big deal, because at the end of the day, it's still just another day! (yup, hear me talk... I can be so contradicting sometimes! - but hey, that's part of the self-discovery process as well!) It's not like I'd be turning into a pumpkin, or a princess, or worse still (but most likely), remain exactly the same.

Where am I going with this? I'm not quite sure... Just wanted to make a note, be it for you who are reading this, but mostly for myself - it's not about turning 30 (everyone does it), it's about what we make of it.

Day 43: Small Triumph!

2008-06-22T22:42:00.007+09:30

Tell me you are proud of me - say it, say it!!

Hahaha - ok, I'll explain my excited pushiness, but I have every right to be and you'll agree with me once I show you what I've achieved today. And - oooh, I'm so proud of myself for having learnt something new! Yay!!

First, a bit of background. I was asked my a friend to help come up with a new design for his group t-shirt. It's something I've been putting off and delaying, with the excuses of having to plan the wedding, and this and that, la-di-da... I had some concepts and ideas drawn out, but nothing amazing to show.

Of course, after complaining about being bored to death, to the extend of the possibility of mushrooms growing off me, the right thing to do would probably be to take care of unfinished business (and then I can be bored and rot, guilt-free).

Only one problem. I had no idea how to create the effect I wanted for the design. I wanted flames, fire - HOT! My Photoshop knowledge is just above average, to say the most, but (hahaha, smart as I was) I managed to ask the right person who pointed me off to the right direction... (Thank you, S!) The experiment took... about half an hour or so, and lo and behold (please refer to images) - Ta-DA~!!

So, I'm asking you once again, tell me you're proud of me!! ~

Before:

After:

Day 42: Hopelessly Hopeful

2008-06-21T20:29:00.003+09:30

I could lie and tell you just what a fantastic weekend I'm having; I can't remember the last time I had so much time on my hand that I'm very very close to going just a little crazy - in fact I think I was there for a few minutes around 3pm but managed to convince myself not to go any further. Gosh - I don't know what to do with myself - and you can't imagine just how embarassing it is to admit that! This restlessness is eating me up in all the wrong ways!

I finally finished reading "Julie & Julia" - took me a long time, but well, french cooking with butter and kidneys, brains, bone marrows and such doesn't make very good bedtime read. This is what Julie wrote for the "ending" of her year long project:

"... And that was it, really. A secretary in Queens risked her marriage and her sanity and her cats' welfare to cook all 524 recipes in Mastering the Art of French Cooking - a book that changed the lives of thousands of servantless American cooks - all in one year. The same year she turned thirty. It was the hardest, bravest, best thin a coward like her ever did, and she wouldn't have done it without Julia." (p. 297)

"... Julia taught me what it takes to find your way in the world. It's not what I thought it was. I thought it was all about - I don't know, confidence, or will or luck. Those are all some good things to have, no quesion. But there's something else, something that these things grow out of. It's joy. ... ... what comes through is a woman who has found her way... ... I didn't understand for a long time, but what attracted me... was the deeply buried aroma of hope and discovery of fulfillment in it. I thought I was using the Book to learn to cook French food, but really I was learning to sniff out the secret doors of possibility." (p. 305-306)

I got three words, maybe four, out of the ending (which in itself is quite a beautiful one): Joy, obviously; brave(st); hope and possibility. As cliched as it might sound, for Julie, it was all about the journey. Of course, the outcome was really great too, having quit her secretarial job, became a writer in her own rights, got her book published and inspiring others through her words.

Arriving at her ending brought me a sense of relieve (not from the buttery dishes, though I'm sure even Julie herself felt somewhat relieved from that after the Project), and yes, hope, definitely hope. Something will come out of it, not matter what. It might not be what we expected, god knows Julie definitely never expected to have her book published, but then again, where's the fun if you already know who what where and when you'll end up to be? It's easy to lose sight, hard to keep walking the endless and dimly lit path, and so convenient to just sit down for a short rest and never get up again. But then there'll be nothing to show, nothing to see, and nothing to celebrate about...

So I guess I'll just put one foot in front of the other, and keep on going - wherever it'll lead me to...

Day 41: What Would We Do Without Love?

2008-06-20T17:01:00.003+09:30

I can’t work! I think I said something of similar effect this time last week too… Sigh, why is it that I’m thinking about Gossip Girl; walking through the streets of Aus; falling back into bed with good reasons; and Bi – all in no particular order or purpose – when what I really should be focusing on is putting together the new Barstool Compact. Oh yes, I think I’m also hungry and craving for roasted chicken rice.

I had a surprise visit from O last night. He was frustrated about how things were (not) coming along with S. I usually do not have the honor to entertain O and his thoughts; Bi’s usually the one having to listen to the whining and the amount of “fuck” punctuated into each sentence. We spent an hour sitting outside my place, me inhaling secondhand smoke and him alternating between cursing and dry-humoring himself. No conclusion was made after the hour; I don’t think answers were what he was after anyway, as being in the state that he was he still had no problem objecting any helpful ideas I threw his way. But I was thankful for the opportunity, both for being able to act as his bouncing block (however unhelpful I was), as well as the insightful reminder of where I was and where I’m heading now. In fact, by the end of the night, I was thinking more about myself rather than O’s apparently “serious” issues.

As a relationship travels through its course, different issues take on the role of importance. In the beginning, just being able to hold her hand is like "*gasp!!* Oh-my-gaaawd!!", and your whole world might just melt when you hear the first "I love you". Waiting for your phone to beep with her text reply is like an eternity, and if she doesn't call back, there's no way you'll be sleeping that night.

As intimacy grows, holding hands is like something as natural as breathing - you might only miss it when the hand slips away, then do you realise how important the contact is. "I love you" is not just to be heard, it represents a promise, acceptance, comfort even, and nothing can go wrong, nothing has ever been better.

The levels where a relationship progresses can be endless, depending on the parties involved. Some are quite simple: attraction, fall in love, have their first fight, make up, commitment, marriage, kids.. ...; while others go through a slightly bumpier, or more exciting ride; some might go through a few false start before settling into a rythm suitable for them. But regardless of the scene you choose, as a bystander, at times the view can be quite interesting. I'm not trying to laugh at O or anything, but it is quite enjoyable watching a big boy fidget and curse and jump when his phone rings, and the tone of voice switches immediately from I've-been-mopping-and-feeling-lousy-cos-you've-not-called, to oooh-I'm-always-so-chirpy-this-voice-is-not-for-your-benefit-only!

Ha! The wonders of love, life and infatuations! What would we do without them? Life would definitely be so much more dull...

Day 37: My First Time

2008-06-17T00:26:00.004+09:30

I'm hitting 30 in 6 months time, yet today I hit a record of experiencing many firsts, all in a day. I'm not talking about bungee jumping off KLCC or getting a tattoo (hmmm, yes, we've discussed about that before, somewhere in the distant past...); I'm talking about simple things, things which some people probably do everyday, or have taken it for granted, but it's a first for me.

Today, for the first time, I: -

1. ... had 2 ciggies, within the hour (Bi, if and when you read this, please don't scream at me, I swear, I'm not addicted, ever!) with -

2. ... J! Who would have thought I'd end up going for happy hour and share a starter and a pasta plus a jug of beer with her? But you know what? It turned out better than I'd expected, and as a person, she does have some valuable insights about life and the world and people and blah, blah, blah...

3. ... was listening the "One Word" ITunes, and had to leave my desk and lock myself in the changing room for 5 minutes fighting tears, because I misses Bi, so much!

4. ... went for lunch alone at Borders' Starbucks, had Stragonoff Pie and Mocha Latte while flipping through fashion mags. Later I walked out with 2 new books, one of which I've read before but just had to own it!

5. ... just got off the phone with Bi, talked for about 5 minutes, our longest conversation yet, and I'm sick of all these short calls and being conscious about how much it's costing us. Gonna settle with Maxis tomorrow, and figure out a better way of communicating. Damn! It's frustrating! And I'm all agitated now just thinking about it! ... ... ok, babe, chill... take deep breathe... ... (must be the beer, and the ciggies?!... not having them anymore, I swear!)

6. ... continued the email marathon (which started since the weekend) with B (note: Bi and B are 2 different people) - my new-found-long-lost-primary-classmate. It's amazing the amount of things we can tell each other, and the similarities in thoughts we both share, after having lost contact for so so long. Hooray to Facebook!

*gasp*... I think I have achieved enough "firsts" for a day... I might still be able to come up with more if I tried, but I'm exhausted, and the ciggies are making my breathing difficult. You would think I've had 2 packs, instead of just 2 sticks! No wonder I've never taken up smoking, thank god!

Well, no need to go through the "I Love/ I Hate" today, I think it's quite clear already! I loved my day, wacky as it may have been!

Day 35: Afterthought

2008-06-14T20:00:00.003+09:30

I almost forgot about one very disturbing little tidbit...

It's Bi's first day at work, and was already approached by a local who was quite direct and immediately showed his interest in - ahem, you-know-what - which obviously shocked the hell out of Bi, and left me feeling quite shaken, and more than a little worried. I have all the confidence in Bi, of course. But the locals? I don't know a bit about them... But they are giving out hungry vibes, that's for sure.

Be safe, Bi.

Day 35: 2 Weeks Into A Post

2008-06-14T18:21:00.006+09:30

It's amazing under what circumstances that I'd end up wanting to blog. One million and one thoughts went through my mind since the last post, but I never quite got the energy to sit down and put them down.

At the moment, I am in the Beverly room of Indulgence boutique hotel at Ipoh, just finished decorating the bridal car (yes, there's a wedding involved, I'll explain later), just finished feeding the oh-so-hungry army of mosquitoes at the carpark, sitting down at the English styled dresser in my sweaty shorts and tank, sipping Lemon Freeze (very sour - but super yummm!) - and typing away on my HP.

And before I could get anything down, the bride is planning a hostile invasion - she needs to check her Friendster.

Ok - I'm back... not sure for how long though... but it's always in these stolen moments that the writing urge overflows.

I've been all over the place since my last post. I have:

- witnessed the entire KL go crazy over the hike in petrol prices...

- played the headless chick at work (keeping the team together while the DutchLady is away), and at home (attending to all the last minute loose ends leading to the wedding).

- organised, attended and enjoyed a combined Bachelor & Bachelorette party at Upstairs @ the Loft - making the bride chat up guys and watching her pick only the cute ones can be quite enjoyable.

- played hostess of a wedding dinner at the Westin, and really became a headless chick trying to sit a family of 5 (who only RSVP-ed for 3); dealt with joyfully drunk guests who pulled me in for a drink but instead started singing "yippee ya ya yippee yippee ya ~" followed by "C.O.C.O.N.U.T~"; downed a couple of whiskey on the rocks on behalf of Daddy dearest, but felt nothing; discarded my heels at the end of the night and ran around barefooted handling the bills and some people who got a little too happy and had to be escorted out in a wheel chair... ...*gasp* but the after dinner private party of pink champagne and king size bed was something else!

- found a new friend in Cass and enjoyed the gossips!

- said good bye and sent Bi off at the airport - the next 5 weeks will be quite different...

- getting all distracted at work, not able to produce much, and ended up watching "Gossip Girl" instead... Naughty naughty...

For the past couple of week most of my time was spent between Bi and the wedding. It would be interesting to see what I end up doing after this weekend, with the extra time and space on hand. But I'm sure I'd come up with something. The least I would be doing is to write more for this little project that I got myself into.

Day 22: Half Full, Never Empty

2008-06-01T20:15:00.004+09:30

First of all, let me say that I've skipped quite a few days, not out of having nothing to say, nor is it due to unpredictable internet connection. We are 4 days away from the wedding of the year (!!! - no, not mine) and we are all trying not to run around like headless chickens. So, I think it's perfectly acceptable that I skipped a few days. Plus, I've learnt not to be so hard on myself - more explanation to come, please read on...

"Is the glass half empty or half full?" A very common expression, used to describe how one would view a situation, positively or from a more pessimistic point of view. And I have to admit, unfortunately, my glass is usually half empty.

I had a very enjoyable and enlightening phone conversation with Ching the other day. We haven't spoken for a while, so were busy updating each other about the happenings. Somewhere in between her taking up yoga and me planning my sister's wedding, I mentioned about my blog project and the reason behind, plus my disappointment in realising that I might not be where I should be by society's standards (which has somehow overlapped with my own expectations, but not by choice, I'm sure...).

Ching's reply was quite simple - and really, sometimes, life is simple, only that we tend to complicate it... She asked me to stop being too hard on myself. True, I might not be exactly where I want to be if compared to others of the same level, but not two lives are the same, and I've been looking at all the blanks that still needs to be filled, instead of what I already have.

Yes, we do tend to be forgetful of all that we already have, because what we don't have tends to be more glaring... But really, what we want and need is an endless quest, sometimes a blind one too; being able to appreciate the treasures we posses and create value with them is so much more meaningful!

This is not about comforting oneself or settling for less. It's a reminder, of not running aimlessly towards something just because society "thinks" we need to have. We have a right to choose the life we want, and only we have a say of how it can turn out to be.

Thank you, Ching!

Day 17: Songs Of Our Souls

2008-05-29T12:30:00.007+09:30

I thought I'm passed the phase of getting attached to songs that describes my life. The overflowing Top 40s, Pops, Raps, Hip-hops and RnBs singing about the loves of their lives or the one who got away, asking for forgiveness and declaring that it's too late - it's hard to take them seriously and appreciate them properly when you get too much of the same thing.

I'm not really a fan of Mariah Carey, but there's this one song recently, "Bye Bye" which, after some unconsciously careful listening, really triggers something deep within.

(excerpt from the song:)

... Because you loved me and obviously
There’s so much more left to say
If you were with me today
Face to face

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on I wish
I could talk to you for a while
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by

And it’s true that you’ve
Reached a better place
Still I’d give the world to see your face
And be right here next to you
But it’s like you’re gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say

Bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye

You never got a chance to see
How good I’ve done
And you never got to
See me back at number one
I wish that you were here
To celebrate together
I wish that we could
Spend the holidays together ...

My maternal grandfather passed away during my first year away in university. I wouldn't say we were extremely close, but close enough. There is a connection, an indescribable bond, which I can still feel today. It could be because he took care of me when I was a toddler; he guided me through many of my "first times".

He taught me how to wear my socks and put on my shoes. He was the one who was there on my first day of kindergarten, standing among the mummys and daddys. He taught me how to jump off a still-moving swing. He gave me my first sip of beer (mmm - yummm!). Many years later, when other adults are too busy or couldn't be bothered, he was the one to notice that I was feeling down, and asked me why.

Some days I hardly think about him. Other times, like this one week when I was still doing my postgrad diploma, I felt him there with me, just out of my line of sight, but he was there and I was talking to him and I knew he was listening. I would cry, but not because I was sad; I missed him but I didn't feel alone. The feeling was both very warm and overwhelming at the same time, and definitely unforgettable.

Mariah's song brought back the memories of that week. To most, I must have acted and sounded like a girl who'd finally lost it; I've never been superstitious - timid, yes, but not superstitious. And there was no fear at that time. On the contrary, it was a deep sense of peace, and the fact that someone understood me, and that was all that mattered.

Grandpa was one of the few people who plainly accepted me for who I am. He might not have the best ideas or solutions in the whole world, but he would be there, be it just offering comfort and support. Doing my best is always enough for him, even if I do not meet the standards of others.

Like Mariah's song, I do wish that he's still here, to witness who I've become, and to hear him say "Congratulations", or "don't give up, you're doing great!". He is the one person I never thought I would miss so immensely, but I am grateful for all the beautiful memories we shared.

Ah-Gong, I miss you. Always will.

Day 16: This Is Not A Countdown

2008-05-28T23:08:00.004+09:30

After 16 days and 13 posts, I finally have 1 comment!! 1 comment!!! Yay yay yippee yay! Thank you Miss Creature! And yes, I'll definitely keep going!

I googled "Things to do before 30" the other day, for the fun of it - ok, no really, I was curious, and a little desperate to create a certain aim for this little project, though come to think of it, writing everyday (every other day) is a pretty good aim already! Anyway, it turned out (no surprise there) that there are more than a few kindle souls out there who had the same thought and made lists of things to do before they hit 30. There was also this one list of 100 things to do before you die, but I don't think we need to go there.

Some list, you can tell right away that it was written by some guy who equates turning 30 to really finally growing up, and made notes of some quite ridiculous things to do before having to do so:

1. Have a really stupid accident which necessitates a hospital visit (??? - what the?!)

9. Make a parachute jump on a hangover (ugh - good luck!)

24. Tip a waiter with something other than money (I'm not laughing...)

38. Lick the terminals of a 9 volt battery (... ...)

45. Shag an ex-girlfriend by mistake (hmmm... how?)

Nope - I don't think I got much tips from him, but it was entertaining while it lasted, in a typical girls-will-never-understand-boys kind of way.

On the other side of the scale, there are some pretty sensible yet inspiring lists, one of them listed under the site called "Bankrates" - very practical indeed; I thought I'd stumbled into some investment article at first.
1. Drive a wickedly cool car, even if you have to rent it. (hmm, yummm!)

2. Date against type. (ummm, been there - maybe?)

3. See the world. (hoping, hoping... really hoping to do so! - well, one footprint at the time...)

4. Live in a cool place.

5. If you're going to drink a lot, do it when you're young.

6. Take risks with your job. (very good advice! now if I could only figure out where to start...)

7. Do something physically adventurous. (does planning to take a roller coaster ride count?)

8. Take your parents to dinner.

9. Do volunteer work.

10. Use this decade to go to extremes.

* * *

Today I Love: Laughing out loud - and having someone to share it with.

Today I Hate: My rash!! It's back - with a vengeance!

* * *

Day 14: Don't Stop - Keep Going

2008-05-26T17:20:00.005+09:30

I skipped 2 days of posting, which causes me to be at a dilemma as to how I should title my post. There's no way I could retrace my steps and pretend to be posting on Saturday night when it's already Monday afternoon. But if I were to call today Day 12, would it be confusing? Cheating even? However, it's also not any less puzzling to call today Day 14; wouldn't you be wondering about Day 12 and 13 then? Ok, I'll worry about that later... First, I write!

Miss Creature is back online, in her new cyberspace home! I didn't realise how much I've missed her and her deep deep thoughts until I took in all her posts in one shot - definitely going to suffer from an overdose, but that's the least of my problem. Love the simple grey on black layout (named Hemingway, go figure), and the new name "Hope personified.." - deep, very deep!

It is probably not a coincidence that I ended up striding across Miss Creature's blog today. Some lines which jumped at me sounded so familiar it might have been myself doing the writing. Some others thoughts went way over my head and I know I don't want to go there. However, thou knowing that I'm not the only one wondering about "who or what I am" and where I'm heading to does bring some comfort, it also amplifies the urgent need to find a direction and create some value through my writing project. One email I received, asking me in innocent puzzlement, why am I writing everyday (?), merely confirms the importance of realising the purpose.

How can something as simple as turning 30 be so difficult?! Why, of all times, do I just want to start making sense of my life now? During New Year's day of 2007, I wrote in the old blog that I could feel the dawn of something big, just out of reach... It's mid year 2008, part of the "big thing" has happened, and is still happening, but I can't help feeling - there's something more...

* * *

Today I Love: The compassionate act of patience and understanding - thank you.

Today I Hate: Falling back into the fundamental darkness of self doubt, self depreciating; knowing yet can't help myself.

* * *

Day 11: Love Doesn't Quite Make The World Goes Round

2008-05-23T23:23:00.007+09:30

Relationship is a never-ending learning curve. It never cease to amaze me just how much there is to learn as you move from one interval to another. It is the 21st Century, and we've got alot of things figured out. You would think that we would have ironed out the age old creases in men and women relationships as well!

Most of the time, when I get girlfriends whining to me about their ex-partners, their current partners, or even potential partners, it gets me thinking - what is it exactly that we are not doing right, that we can't allow ourselves to enjoy the one thing that bring us one of the greatest joys (when it is done right)? In fact, as the female race in general, we seem less tolerant today of our men's dos and dont's and everything else in between. We understand that no one is perfect, yet we feel that they can do better, hence the frequent haggling and bickering and the separations and the heartbreaks. Could it be that the female race has been changing and revolving, while our men stayed the same, as how their fathers and their fathers' fathers...?

However, it is quite unfair to put the blame on our men, because they have traveled a fair way on their own too. Think the SNAGs (Sensitive New Age Guys) of the 90s, and the Metrosexuals of the new century. It could also be that we girls are just catching up, learning about our rights and finally using our brains instead of following our hearts and going with the flow.

There will be no smart conclusions or brilliant summaries tonight - just some brief pondering on the collective happenings related to relationships crossing my life of late. One thing in particular that I learn today, which I find invaluable indeed, is (simple as it sounds): never take your partner for granted. And this include not always dumping your current frustrations on him just because he is conveniently there and he is by default the person you turn to regardless of good news or bad.

Your partner is there to share your life with you, not to take responsibility of all the lousy things that the world delivers to you. If it was meant for him, it would have been him taking the blows, not you. Your partner loves you, and will want to protect you from the world if he can, but he will love you even more when he sees you trying to face the world bravely on your own. And when you turn around, you will probably find him standing there, right by your side.

(p/s: thank you, Bi, for the inspiration)

* * *

Today I Love: The fact that it is Friday - Yay, yay and triple YAY!
- and also that I'm learning something new, from the inspiring people around me.

Today I Hate: ... ... Not being able to create more value with this project - but will start doing something about it.

* * *

Day 10: Endless Quest For Beauty

2008-05-22T15:27:00.004+09:30

A woman's need for beauty is endless. From glossy shampoos to silky conditioner, from flawless al-natural foundation to lengthening-volumising mascara, from satin smooth moisturiser to dead sea salt scrub to bronzing powder, from strengthening nail polish remover to french manicure to nail extensions - *deep breathe* - and I'm sure I'm just skimming the very tip of the almost endless list.

I'm a victim - free and willingly. My mom bought me my first facial cleanser - Ginvera, I think *cringe*; today, I wish I don't have to find out how much I actually spend on beauty products, from my hair to my face to my body - and that's just beauty products, almost invisible stuffs, things that make me look good but you don't actually see where the money went - until maybe I hit 50 and (hopefully) still able to look like I'm barely pushing 40? Haha - right!

I'll share with you another time my quest for the perfect mascara - I'm still searching, but today, I just wish to drop a note to say that I bought my first pair of fake lashes (!!!) and can't wait to test out the results!

* * *

Today I Love: Being told that I'm looking more cheerful and light.
And finding out that I did managed to forget how old Harrison Ford is, about 20 minutes into the new "Indiana Jones" movie.

Today I Hate: Defensive attitude inherent in all human beings - myself included, of course.

* * *

Day 9: Reporting From Blue Box

2008-05-21T18:00:00.003+09:30

I work at a home furnishing store we like to call "The Blue Box". Now, when you talk to various people, visitors mostly, they will all have a variety of things to say about this place. Some love it to bits, dropping by every other day (every day, even!) for its 99 cents breakfast. Oh, of course, they love the cool furnitures too! But there will be others who are quite skeptical about the place, and the board on frame bookcases it sells, and that's fine too - can't expect the whole world to agree and fall in love with this little box (which is really not quite so little - I mean, we have people getting lost and always wondering why they have to walk one big round just to get to the check outs).

What you don't know about, are the inside stories; things that goes on in semi darkness before the store opens, conversations behind the doors marked "Authorised Personnels Only", or who was the last one who picked up that cosy looking cushion and what they did with it. Yes, we do have quite a few tales to spin, depending on who you end up talking to.

* * *

Today I Love: Laughing in the Blue Box.
There are happy days, and not so happy days, in this blue box. Today is one of the happier ones, thankfully. Chocolate Chip Mufflers for breakfast; a quiet, uneventful morning dedicated to revitalising a bookcase with smarter solutions; a quick lunch; a relatively successful (but partly stupid) handover of a new home - which, by the way, is absolutely loud and funky and perfect for small space living, so make sure you check it out the next time you drop by!; lots of laughter and harmless but colorful jokes at the pantry over tea break (quite a bonding session between the oldies and the newbies too!); and alas, peaceful time at the office, chilling before it's time to call it a day. Ahhhh ~ yes, it's a good day, and I'm appreciative.

Today I Hate: Brrrrrr ~ the blasting air conditioning in the office, adding onto the coolness of a rainy afternoon - when there's no available bed (or a warm body) in sight to snuggle into!

* * *

Day 8: One Week And Rolling

2008-05-21T00:15:00.002+09:30

It's been a week! But I'm not going to make a biggy out of it. I'm just gonna keep going, do what I can, and see where I end up at (preferably somewhere nice).

* * *
Today I Love: The domestic-ness of baking.
It's quite therapeutic, for one thing. And Nigella's recipe was simple to follow. Nothing fancy - just wholesome Chocolate Chip Mufflers which are absolultely yummy yum yum. And it's never a chore to bake for those who appreciates! Plus, the house smells absolutely heavenly! Yummmm!

Today I Hate: Watching Glamour's Fashion Dos and Don'ts and worry that I'm guilty of more than one fashion crime!

* * *

Day 7: A Flimsy Balance

2008-05-19T23:23:00.004+09:30

* * *

Today I Love: Laughters winning over tears.

Today I Hate: The gravity of Negativity.

* * *

Day 6: (Know/ No) Where To Go?

2008-05-18T23:44:00.004+09:30

Days like this absolutely puts my "HONEST" resolution to the test. On Day 1, I wrote about being honest and true to myself, not to be easily shaken by the opinions and words of others. Yesterday's post was named "No Regrets", because I don't want to have any. But today, I feel like I've fallen back 10 steps, before I've even started out.

Start out to where? ... ...

Sadly, I have no answer, and that's probably one of my problems. One of my BIGGEST problem. No, it's not that I am wandering around aimlessly; I know where I want to go, where I want to end up at, but: 1) I don't exactly know how to get there, but I don't just sit there wondering, I asked around... 2) Unfortunately, my destination somehow doesn't sound very appealing to others, or they don't think it's quite do-able nor practical, and so they try to direct me somewhere else by asking really difficult questions which I have no answers for... 3) Which got me wondering about my direction, and about me in total - is there something wrong with ME?!!!

Now, do you get what I mean when I said, I've fallen back even before I could get started? I sort of started out with a destination in mind, but if it's a wrong place to even start heading for, then - hey, does that mean I'm heading no where?

Which reminds me of a smart tag line a close friend and I came up with for a school project: "Know Where To Go?" - which, when you say it out loud instead of reading the words, could also mean "No Where To Go". Just a small twist of words, but it could mean something entirely different.

So which am I? "Know" or "No"? Of course I do not wish to me the latter. But on days like this, if I'm being truly honest, I really do not know where I'm heading to.

There is a line on the cover of the book "Hopscotch" by Denyse Devlin, iand t reads: "Sometimes the only way to find yourself is to get lost..."

* * *

Today I Love: Morning rain...

Today I Hate: Getting lost...

* * *

Day 5: No Regrets

2008-05-18T00:41:00.004+09:30

I heard this little blurb on the radio this morning, about this guy who cycled all the way from L.A. back to Taiping. He said, that we dream about doing things, talking about the what-ifs and this and that, but by the next second we would have forgotten about them. Stop making excuses, that was what he was trying to say. If you have a dream, no matter how small or how crazy or impossible it might sound, stop thinking and start doing something about it! Then there will never be the "what if -" 10 years down the road, wondering about the what-could-have-been. Hm, it's quite inspiring and encouraging, definitely something to think about!

* * *

Today I Love: Finding creative ways to spend a Saturday afternoon.
From glossy bling-bling high fashion to multicolored streetwear overdose; from cool, comfortable and dry to hot, exciting humidity; dimmed fluroscent lighted alleys to super high wattage spotlights; Tazo Ice Shaken, cream puffs, chicken rice and you-tiao - Up and down Bkt. Bintang, from Pavilion to Sg. Wang, all in one afternoon. I was panting for breathe by 4pm and begged to go home. But it was refreshing, something different.

Today I Hate: Effing Stupid Drivers Who Think They Own The Roads (note the Uppercase used - they totally earned a special title of their own).
I absolutely don't get drivers who feel the need to not only speed like they have 10 roadrunners at their tail, but also terrorize other drivers while they are at it. What's worse, tailgating is no longer enough. Their reactions are so bloody fast, that when other cars are just getting ready to move out of their way, they've already decided to swerve around them, confusing not one, but probably 3 other drivers around them - 1) the driver in the car infront, 2)the driver in the car next to them, 3)the driver 2 cars up who don't even realise he has to get out of the devil's way. It's utter nonsense! Absolutely ridiculous! So what if you are drop dead sexy and drives a white VW Golf GT with a 2.0 turbo? You still don't have my respect there.

* * *

Day 4: Delayed Reaction

2008-05-17T00:30:00.003+09:30

4th day and I've skipped a post! Oh, nevermind, Blogger is smart enough that I am able to adjust the time so it still appear that I'm posting on time everyday like the good girl that I should be *winkz*!

But you know what? It doesn't work - because how I feel today about how I was feeling yesterday is not the same as how I was feeling yesterday. So - let's just breeze through it so I can tell you how I really feel today!

* * *

Today I Love: That it's Friday! La la la ~
Worked hard. So hard, that I could feel a pounding pulse at the sole of my feet. But it was Happy-Hard-Work, surprisingly, and it felt quite rewarding. Yay!

Today I Hate: Lousy internet connection which prevented me from posting!

* * *

Day 3: Love And Hate

2008-05-15T22:39:00.003+09:30

Day 3 into my little self made project, and I've yet to receive any comments on my last 2 posts. Well, what do I expect? I have deserted this blog for the past month or so. I guess half hearted blogging never work. But I'm back, and I'm persistent, so we'll just have to wait and see. No woman is an island, as they say, so I'm trying not to imagine myself in a desert with only camels as companions who are trying to convince me that they would probably be my most avid readers if they would read. Ok, why am I imagining a desert and camels right now? Lets say it has (absolutely nothing) to do with a certain Saudi trip that's happening soon, which (absolutely doesn't) involve me.

I realised that I can't be blogging aimlessly everyday just for the sake of doing so. Its mostly about knowing myself better, being more open and honest and all that blah blah. And its also not everyday that I'll have the time and space to write a ten paragraph long post. So I'm going to give this a try: find something I love and hate about my day, and blog it down. It's probably the most straight forward way of tearing myself apart and do a little reflection and evaluation along the way, and if I still have something else to say after that, then I'll keep going. But I think I should steer clear about camels.

* * *

Today I Love: People who genuinely care.
It's not been a very hot day for me health wise. The good news is, I finally got my period (background: I skipped for an entire month due to stress which screwed up my hormones which hiked up the stress level which continue to screw up the hormones - you get the idea); the bad news, it hurt like hell! But I had kind people around me, who fetched water and painkillers, helped with work and ordered me to head home and rest. Bi especially, being skittish about the idea of blood and all, but still want to be updated about my condition, and not being frustrated over my lack of desire to communicate verbally. I am extremely thankful for being showered with such love, care and understanding, and resolute to do the same, if not better!

Today I Hate: Effing period pains so bad I had to make a trip down to Dr.Loh's, who was threatening to inject me. In the end I walked away with some pain killers and an MC.

* * *

Hm, I wonder, should I make a poll of my loves and hates? The idea, of course, is to have more loves than hates, which hopefully leads to a happier big 30? Hm... I'll sleep on it.

Day 2: A Striptease

2008-05-14T22:52:00.005+09:30

I picked up Julie & Julia last night after my 1st "Project: Naked At 30" entry, and what I read made me went "OMG! That's EXACTLY what I'm talking about!". I went to sleep smiling.

In the chapter "Disaster/ Dinner Party, Dinner Party/ Disaster", Julie started off by writing about blogging, the act of recording, of putting meaning to mundane acts. She said, "Nowadays anyone with a crap laptop and Internet access can sound their barbaric yawp, whatever it may be. But the surprise is that for every person who's got something to say, it seems there are at least a few people who are interested. Some of them aren't even related."

A quick google shows a rough estimate of over 180 million blogs out there in the Blogosphere. How you want to digest this little piece of trivia is entirely up to you. I am just trying to get my head around the idea of the amount of information - text, words, html scripts, codes, whatever else you call it - thrown into cyberspace, an ever expanding, (almost) limitless, borderless place where you can put just about anything in or onto it, and extract whatever you want out of it too! I feel my world contracting and expand all at the same time - it's quite overwhelming, in an exciting sort of way.

Julie went on to write that, "...the very act of writing them down made them important, or at least singular... ...There's a dangerous confessional thrill to opening up your eminently fascinating life and brain to the world at large, and the Internet makes it all so much faster and more breathless and exciting...".

When I told Bi about my little project, the idea was liken to performing a literary striptease of my life in cyberspace (Bi, that's a mouthful, and I came up with it!). I wonder how it will turn out? Will I really strip down and bare all, reveal that birthmark hidden in some secret place, or will I end up freezing in between throwing off my top and removing my bra?

Gossip Girl just started, so my striptease will have to be put on hold - for now.

Project: Naked At 30

2008-05-13T22:03:00.003+09:30

honest
• adjective 1 free of deceit; truthful and sincere. 2 fairly earned: an honest living. 3 simple and unpretentious.
• adverb informal genuinely; really.

So this is it. I (just) realised that the main problem with me, and my life, is that I am never honest enough for my own good. Which sort of translates to the fact that I'm probably not "real" half the time. Which can get quite daunting, if you start pondering too much about it - which is what I'm beginning to do, again.

So, why do I find it difficult to be honest? First, let me try to define the meaning of honest within my context - not sure if it's different from how you perceive it, but it could be, so it's probably safe to be clear from the beginning, just so we don't have any misunderstanding later.

Being honest, for me, is being able to speak my mind without wondering or fearing the reactions of others. It is not very often I am able to be so true, so real, so naked. Being honest, is being able to be myself, do what I really want to do, walk my path and not hesitate and become unsure by other's opinions and questions of the direction I'm veering towards. Being honest, is beliving in myself, trust enough not the be easily shaken. Being honest - it's the least I can do for myself!

I recently picked up a book titled "Julie and Julia: 365 Days, 524 Recipes, 1 Tiny Apartment Kitchen" by Julie Powell. Recipes incorporated into fiction writing! That was my first reaction. And after a few heavy-thought-provoking books, I was ready for something relatively light - I thought! But J & J is anything but light. And it is anything but fictitious too. Julie Powell is 30, a secretary working on a dead end job, living in some rundown apartment in New York, and she decided to give herself a crazy project: armed with her mother's copy of Julia Child's 1961 classic Mastering the Art of French Cooking, she took up the challenge to cook all 524 recipes, in the span of a year. The book, which I thought was just a book, actually started in the form of a blog where she records her experiences with the recipes, and other little episodes in her life. How did she later landed the deal to have it printed into a book (and also made into a movie!!!) - I've yet to arrived to that part of the story, but I did catch some mentionings of them on her various blogs and websites.

Julie's project got me thinking. I'll be turning 30 in 7 months. I have no choice but to be honest about that. I'm not trying to make a big deal about the number, but - hey! it IS a big deal! And what have I got to show of it? Almost nothing. I have a few dreams I wish to realise, but many would tell me to keep dreaming. Somedays, the dreams are all I have to keep me going, telling myself (kidding myself, rather?) that I WILL get there some day, one day. But dreaming really isn't enough anymore. Realising the dreams is what I should be doing.

But where do I start? Honestly, I have no idea. But I think I can start by being honest with myself, really. And how do I plan to do that? Yes, after writing pretentiously profound ideologies for the last few paragraphs, I DO have a plan of some sort - but how smart it is, well, we'll just have to wait and find out! Don't know if you don't try, so they say.

I have always been intrigued about the recordings of one's life, be it through a simple diary, a memoir, photographs, illustrations, scrapbooks, and more commonly today, blogs. Be it fragment of details or a date to date biography, the recording of one's life somehow makes it more real. It is also through writing or making some sort of markings in space about our lives that we are able to make more sense of it. Why do you think they thought us to write diaries when we were in primary school? And to think, I actually cracked my head to come up with some story about visiting the zoo over the weekend, when in fact I was stuck at home watching cartoons and procrastinating on finishing up my homework - now which one would have been more interesting?

"Why would anyone find your thoughts interesting? Why would I want to know what you were thinking about when you are walking down the street?" asked one particularly snobbish english design lecturer back in uni, when I attempted to make the recordings of one's life into a thesis project. Well, why would we want to know what happened to Julie's attempts of Julia Child's recipes? Apparently, some people find it interesting enough for her blogs to become a book, and then a movie!

I'm not looking to have a book published, nor have my life made into a movie. I just want to create some sort of a compass, or a map; spread my life out so I can see it better, and I'll do it through posting a blog (atleast) once a day (oops, I hope I'm not committing to something impossible here...), for the next 7 months leading to the big 30. The only rule is, I need to be H.O.N.E.S.T. Can't be that hard now, bearing my soul, can it? If you don't like it, then stop reading at any point of time. If you decide to take advantage of my honesty, screw you for stooping so low!

Hhahha, OMG, I've really went and say it, which means I really have to do it! Well, good luck to me!

New, Old and Habitual

2008-03-30T18:07:00.006+10:30

There are new things to discover about ourselves everyday; from life changing transformations to the smallest detail, it's just a matter of how observant we are and how much attention we pay to ourselves. It's impossible to stay stagnant; we can never be the same person we were 10 years ago, or even as consistent as yesterday.

I am an "unconscious coffee addict". You can also call me a "caffeine addict in denial". I swear, a couple of years back I'd look you straight in the eye and tell you I am not the least affected by those small little beans ground into dark powder filtered through a noisy machine which has the ability to turn it into the drink of your choice - all you have to do is add milk, and sugar. But today, hm, I'm not so sure. In fact, thinking back on how mellow and lethargic I was the other day, I think I can now answer Bi's question: I wasn't grumpy, I just didn't get my caffeine fix!

Someone once mentioned to my brother-in-law that a habit is formed within 21 days. If you were to consistently repeat a process at the same time everyday for 21 days, it will involuntarily become a habit. That is a conscious way of cultivating habit, and probably requires some discipline. Of course, there are some other habits which grows on you without you ever realising, and by the time you notice it (like my caffeine addiction) you have become so attached you can't imagine shaking it off. But there are also some (dreading) processes that you may wish they've turned so habitual you could stop making mistakes, perform them without much thought, or become easier with time, yet they are not.

As we walk through our days, executing tasks and thoughts consciously or unconsciously, take some time to think ~ what new characteristics are we going to building today?

Show Me Some L-O-V-E!

2008-03-24T14:42:00.013+10:30

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you can adore

Love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you

love
• noun 1 an intense feeling of deep affection. 2 a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone. 3 a great interest and pleasure in something. 4 a person or thing that one loves.
• verb 1 feel love for. 2 like very much. 3 loving showing love or great care.

"I love you, I love you, I love you!" L-O-V-E-. One word. 4 letters. Over used, overrated, and taken for granted of.

I am no guru in Love, but I believe we are all learning and realising a little more about its secrets everyday.

It's easy, saying "I love you." Indeed, it is one universal way to express that "intense feeling of deep affection", the feeling that your heart is so full with happiness it's about to burst. But love is not just about saying; words spoken are words thrown into the air, and they don't mean much if not followed by actions.

Showing your love doesn't necessarily involve spending big bucks. In fact, some of the most touching and warming gestures are ones that are simple and original. A sincere thought goes a long way. A good friend once remarked, "It's important to love someone the way they need to be loved... It's like giving your partner strawberries because it's your favourite, when your partner actually likes chocolates."

Today's woman do not expect her other half to solve all her problems and plan out her life for her. But she needs respect and understanding, for the multiple roles that she plays; she needs appreciation, for the extra efforts she puts into the relationship despite juggling various responsibilties.

Most of the time, it's not about the big house, or that fast car, or even the $400 candlelight dinner. Yes, they are important, and no one would complain about having them - but the responsibility that comes with telling someone you love them, is about showing the right kind of love and appreciation at the right time. And it's only through loving, respecting, learning and understanding your partner that you would know what to do, when.

The Stars Are Watching

2008-03-20T16:36:00.003+10:30

It's hard to tell you exactly if I really do believe in Astrology.

I started reading astro predictions in my teens, for various reasons. One, out of curiousity, and so that I could say "oh wow, how did they know?" or "yeah, right, like real!". Two, I was checking out the compatibility between the signs, and wondering why I never fall for the "recommended" ones.

These days, well, I have a astrology column in my Facebook profile, but I hardly ever pay much attention to it. Today I happened to give it a glance, out of restlessness (and after scrolling up and down the page and refreshing it for the tenth time without seeing any apparent activities), and this is what they tell me:

You are even less focused today than yesterday. You are all over the map, swinging from one end of the mood spectrum to the other. Dreaming about your social plans won't get you where you want to go, but you are not sure which of two equally good opportunities to follow.

Hmmm... now, how did they know?

5 Things That Will (usually) Never Happen (back home)

2008-03-14T18:03:00.005+10:30

1. Early morning, you reverse your car out of the garage and be greeted by - Hello! - your toned and buffed neighbour washing his car.
2. A shop girl greeting you with the cheeriest, and the most sincere "Good morning!", and she really did stop in her tracks just to do so.
3. A funky rock chick driving a Ute - that's hot!
4. Peter Rabbit's easter eggs.
5. 2 crazy girls driving through St. Lucia, scouting for the steepest streets for an immediate roller coaster ride! (and they went back for a 2nd round, just so they could record it on camera!)

Bad Timing?

2008-03-13T12:02:00.003+10:30

Brisbane: St. Lucia Home

9:35/ 11:35 AM

It's one of those days, the first day of the dreaded week of the month.

Even the sunny weather and the quiet morning does nothing to beckon a slight enthusiasm. Preparing breakfast was at least a welcomed distraction, if not slightly harried. The flies, who have become a frequent customer in the kitchen, received a more brutal chase this morning (I'll soon post up exclusive picture of their sorry splattered corpse on Facebook, so stay tune).

As the soba is giving the tummy something else to be occupied with for a while, I sit at the kitchen counter, taking shallow breathe, and wonder: am I going to let a few drop of blood cripple my holiday?! NEVER! There's still the "Shop 'Til I Drop" session planned for later this afternoon - it's late night shopping Thursday after all!

But - there's not much I can do for now; resigned as I am at this point of time, I can only wait the next couple of hours out. The little battle with the flies have left me quite drained, especially with my current condition.

Well, there's always TVB dramas to keep me company!

Next Stop, ::: ::: Interchange

2008-03-12T22:44:00.004+10:30

"Your attention please, for your own safety, please stand behind the yellow line."

"Please mind the platform gap."

"Next stop, City Hall Interchange. Passengers travelling towards Bukit Batok and Marina Bay, please alight here."

Is this a nightmare, you asked me,
And I said no.
It feels so wrong, you were saying,
But I know what I'm doing.

I'm not sure if this is the best time to answer your questions,
But maybe there will never be the right instance;
We realise different things at different moments,
And today, this is where I am.

There is no turning back, my dear,
We walk forward, not in reverse.
We choose where we go, we make conscious decisions,
You can't say you weren't there, that it wasn't you.

We have been travelling a fair way,
But were we moving together?
Oh yes, we definitely did take off from the same place,
but somewhere, at a certain transposition,
we didn't realise, the sceneries changed;
the colors outside your window were not the same as mine.

Do you turn back once in a while,
To make sure I'm following up alright?
Do I jump tracks, to learn the view you see?
Do we even realise, we are not in the same country,
speaking the same words, hearing the same language?
Or instead, puzzled and frustrated that the other is not sharing what we view?

Shall we accuse the conductor, for not informing the detour?
Shall we confront the driver, for choosing a different journey?
But then what good would that do?
And so we went along with it.

Accusations, Depreciations,
Impeachments, Reprehensions - such big words,
But they only mean one thing: Blame
And where will that lead us,
Except further into ourselves.

This is not the end of the line,
The journey will never stop.
Only that the travelling style is different.

Don't look back, keep going.
The night may be dark,
but only to signal the nearness of dawn.
Meanwhile, learn to be friend with that face in the window,
For he shared your journey,
with some of his own tales to tell.

With the sun, then you will see again,
the greens of the fields, the blues of the water,
the sparkle of the cities, and the quietness of the sky.

And as the train slow to the next station,
look, is there another familiar figure on the platform?

10 Things I Love About My Day (so far...)

2008-03-11T15:17:00.004+10:30

Brisbane: St. Lucia Home

1. I woke up at 7:30am (that's Brisbane time! bloody 5:30am in Malaysia!!)
2. The sky is a gorgeous azure, dotted with lazy white cotton, and the sun brings with it a cool cheery breeze.
3. I made the best ham, cheese and mushroom omellete sandwhich ever! hmmm - yummm...
4. Tanning on the patio at 3pm, with cool beats and cold beer (oh, and uninterrupted WIFI too!)
5. Chatting online with the important people in my life, while tanning.
6. Having a stack of magazines and books on the coffee table and knowing that I will have the time to get to them.
7. Knowing that I'm missed!
8. House chores did not feel like chores.
9. Movie night with Cong-cong!
10. Realising that I can make a difference, every moment in time, and wanting to make the best of it!

Good Morning, Gold Coast!

2008-03-08T19:11:00.003+10:30

Gold Coast: Coolangatta Airport

6:57/ 8:57AM

My "vacation" - wait, this is a vacation, no need inverted commas! - let's start over. My Vacation at Brisbane starts with a humid 21 degree celsius, bright sunny weather; a bottled orange juice (which cost me AUD 4.10, a f**king RM12!!!); bright eyed locals in bermudas, tees and minis; overdressed, disorientated but very excited tourists; a Shop Till You Drop mag fresh from the newsagent (why wait? yes, its only 9am local time but its never too early to start the buying process and refamiliarising myself with the local shops!); seated on a bar-styled table at the airport's outdoor cafe, surrounded by the smells of breakfast: coffee, toasts and - is that maple syrup? A middle aged hippie looking local seats 2 tables away, holding half a bottle of Crown Lager - guess its never too early for a beer either!

Phew! I just wrote all that in one breath! Literally writing! Pen on paper! And that was already one notebook page. Pen on paper writing isn't something I do alot these days. If you were to see this page now there are lots of crossouts, and since I can't write as fast as I am thinking, my script is hardly readable. Good luck to me when I transfer it onto my laptop. And this one and a quarter page probably just toook up two straight and neat paragraphs on my blog.

This is not a techno-free vacation. No, I'm not that desperate to get away from the world. But it dos feel wrong to heave out my laptop at this moment and disturb the steady but relaxed pace of this Saturday morning in this part of the world.

A week's break can be long, or very short, depending on what I make of it, and I've determined to squeeze every deliciously enjoyable drop out of it! Be it catching up on sleep, shopping, exploring new places, spending time with Cong Cong, or finishing up that little bit of pending work due by Monday (yeah, but I'm trying not to think about that just yet...ugh) - I must make my week away worth while, or the sacrifices made (and there were quite a number of them...) would have been quite pointless.

GOOD MORNING, GOLD COAST!